I have mentioned a few times in previous posts that I like to shop and get a little high from it. That right there is a little bit of a lie. I really, REALLY LOVE to shop and when I say I get a little high, I mean I actually have a physical and emotional reaction when I shop. Especially if I am getting a really great deal on something. Before I go into that part of it, let me give a short history.
When I was a kid we did not have a lot of money. My parents shopped a lot of yard sales for our clothes and we got a lot of hand-me-downs from people at our church. If we did go to a store for clothing, it was Walmart or K-mart or some place comparable. Just to clarify, I did not feel bad or ashamed about these things as a kid. I actually never really thought about it. It was just the way things were. As I grew older, my parents split up and money was tighter than ever with my mom being our main provider. I started to become more aware of what other people were wearing, but still was okay with shopping sales, not having name brands and getting hand-me-downs. I just didn't have a whole lot of clothes, but I had enough. Once I was 12 I started to babysit and make MONEY!! Oh precious money, how I love thee! Where have you been all my life? Wanna know what my hard earned babysitting money towards? Two things. Clothes and shitty food. Imma stick to the clothes in this post though. The food DEFINITELY deserves its own stage. Anyway, clothes. When I had money it took me less than 24 hours to spend it. Every dime I made went to clothing or treats of some sort. When I was old enough to get a job I worked at a clothing store. Wanna know where my money went? Right back to my job. It was crazy. I loved, loved, loved SHOPPING and getting something NEW! I was a good shopper too. I always looked on clearance racks and always tried to get the most for my money. I would buy things that would coordinate with other outfits for versatility and I didn't bother with too many accessories or shoes. Most things I bought could go with one or two pairs of shoes. This went on all through high school and right up until the point when I met my future husband. Once we met and eventually moved in together, we couldn't necessarily shop that way anymore. We had rent, car payment, food. You know, normal expenses. But, the shopping problem didn't really go away, it just evolved. I couldn't just go out whenever I wanted and drop 50 bucks in a clothing store. However, I could go and spend up to $5 on a new lipstick or some eye shadow. Sometimes I would go buy a pack of gum, just so I could buy something, anything. At one point I was working at a sporting goods store that sold shoes and apparel. I would scour the clearance items to find the best deals so that I could have something new. One time I actually got a pair of cross trainers for $1.97. $1.97!!! That is fucking INSANE!! When I found those shoes I got so fucking high, like drug high. I could actually feel myself getting happier. One little, teeny problem with getting high, even if it is not from drugs. You always have to come down. After I bought those shoes, I didn't care about them anymore. Not that I didn't wear them, but I don't think I had them for that long and the high didn't last long enough for me to not want to buy something else the next day. It never does.
So, now we are going to skip ahead to a couple of years ago when the economy was at its peak. Things were great. My husband was doing well at work, money was good, we had three beautiful children. Times were great. But I was a complete shopaholic. I found any reason I could to go out shopping. "The girls need hair clips." "I need a new raincoat." "I need 6 new bras." "My underwear don't fit anymore." "It's raining, there is nothing else to do." "It's Tuesday." The list of reasons were endless and I just kept shopping and buying and consuming. It was terrible. I was still shopping my sales and clearance racks, but what does it matter if you are still SPENDING?! I was still getting high as a kite off the deals too. I can't even really describe it. When I find a deal so amazing, my body starts to shake and I seriously feel a little dizzy. My brain feels light. I feel euphoric. I have actually been high on drugs and I don't even think I felt as good doing that as I did shop, shop, shopping. Probably because in my warped and twisted mind I felt like shopping wasn't hurting anyone and drugs were illegal and BAD. Unfortunately, shopping was hurting someone. It was hurting me. When the economy finally tanked, as economies can and will do, there was really no adjustment period. It was like one day I was shooting up Heroin and the next day I couldn't even get to a Methadone clinic. I didn't know what to do, where to go, how to just be. I don't even think I knew who I was without shopping. I mean, I shopped for fun. It was fun to me. What was I going to do without that rush? How was I going to cope? What would fill the VOID??? Luckily, I am VERY resourceful. I can always find something to fill any void with some other self-annihilating behavior.
Needless to say, I don't shop that often anymore. I still have the impulse though. When I have even the slightest bit of extra money, I want to spend it. In my brain I know it is not worth it, I actually abhor it, but it is still there nagging away, tugging at my brain. "You need to buy something, you deserve it, it's Friday." I don't know if it will ever go away, but I sure as hell hope so because I will need some serious help if...wait, isn't today Black Friday?
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