Lessons I Learned In My Youth

"Growing the perfect sunflower is not as easy as it looks."  This is something my grandmother told me when I was 12, as she painted a picture of 2 children playing in a field of sunflowers for a Sunday school lesson.  I remember that day well, as she explained the loyalty the sunflower has for the sun, following it everywhere it goes.  It is one of many odd things I learned as I made my way through childhood.  It is something I will never forget.  Every time I see a sunflower I think of that painting.  I can see it as clear as day, like it just happened this morning and not 26 years ago.


 It's funny the things we retain from our childhood.  Useless information that crops up out of nowhere to haunt us, but really serves no purpose.  Like the fact that a widow's peak is a recessive trait, or that snowflakes have six sides.  I say that these things are useless only because they aren't really needed to function in every day life.  I mean really, when the fuck do I, ApparentlyATotalB, need to know how many sides a snowflake has?  Seriously.  When?  Why the hell do I know that?  Why?  WHY?!?  Why do I care that sunflowers are loyal to the sun?  Why?  And as far as recessive and dominant traits go, I am not a Geneticist, nor do I aspire to be one.  And yet, I carry around information about traits that are really useless to little old me.  


Now, just because I find this information useless, doesn't mean I don't find it interesting.  I am quite glad I know how to make chains out of clover, make friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss, and suck the nectar out of honeysuckle.  I am grateful to have learned how to blow an egg and press flowers.  I am very proud of the fact that I know the difference between a French braid and a regular braid and can do both.  Why you ask?  Well, I will tell you why.  Because my kids think I am fucking MAGIC!!!  I am a GENIUS!  They actually believe I am some all knowing godDESS!  When Mommy knows something special and different, it leaves them in awe.  I fucking LOVE IT!!


Now, I know what you're thinking.  That they won't think that forever.  Yes, you are right.  They won't.  Some day, they will understand, as I do, that along the course of life, we pick up meaningless information and pass it along to our kids, who will then pass it to theirs, and so on.  But, for right now, I have the power.  I am the all knowing.  I alone hold the information to get them through.  Me.  Myself.  I.  And I will cherish that time as long as I can.  Because, let's face it.  Not everyone gets to blow up the death star.   

I Never Learned To Play Hopscotch

Actually, that's not true.  I totally knew how to play hopscotch.  Along with kickball, dodge ball, and jump rope. What I absolutely did not ever learn how to do, and always wanted to, is double dutch.  That shit was fucking AMAZING!!!  So jealous of all the little fuckers that knew how to do that shit.

I would love to try to learn how to double dutch now.  I could totally see myself as a middle aged woman trying to maneuver that crap, tripping over the ropes, as well as my skin apron and sagging breasts.  It.Would.Rock.  My kids would skulk away, completely embarrassed to have such a pathetic mother.  Actually, I know my kids and they would embrace me making a fool of myself.  They love it when I act like a dumbass.  They think it is HILARIOUS.  Not sure if it is because they like to be silly, or if it is because they just want to see me act a fool.  Oh well, as long as they are happy.  Little bastards.

There are so many things I would have loved to know how to do as a kid.  Back handsprings, high dive, triple lutz.  I could have been an Olympic long distance runner, an astronaut, a successful lawyer, or an underwater basket weaver.  I could have been awesome...I could BE awesome.  Sadly, I never learned those things, whether it be from lack of motivation, low self esteem, or just no guidance and support, I will never know.

Fortunately, I am not one to dwell too much on the past.  While there are many things I will never become, there are many more things that I can become, and some things that I already have become.  I am a wife and a mother.  I am a friend, a confidante, a stress reliever.  I am funny, smart, sarcastic, silly, and at times, I can be a real fucking bitchass.  I am a woman.  All I can try to do now is make sure that I let my children know, if they work hard enough and want something with all their hearts, they can accomplish ANYTHING.  In the meantime, I am going to try to find someone who can teach me to double Dutch.  Specifically someone who will not laugh at me when I trip on my left breast.