Could You Please Pass The Turkey Leg?

Aaaaah!!  Thanksgiving is here and even as hatey and pessimistic as I am, I can't help but be excited for the feast that is about to commence.  The holiday itself makes me cringe, but the food!  Oh how lovely!  Turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole, spicy corn, mmmmmmmmm.  All the nasty ass food I miss and only allow myself to have once a year.  Well, twice.  Christmas too.  Okay, maybe three times if I'm lucky.  But that's it, I swear.  Tomorrow I will reward all my hard work on my body by gorging myself.  I will top my shitty dinner rolls with turkey and potatoes and smother my concoction in butter and gravy.  I will happily create the perfect ham sandwich with potato bread smeared generously with mayo.  I will stir my stuffing into my green bean casserole and add extra french fried onions just because that's how I roll.  Then, once I have to either unbutton my pants or change into pajamas from being thoroughly stuffed, I will cut myself a huge piece of pumpkin pie and load it up with fake whipped topping.  Fat?  Calories?  Chemicals?  Starch?  As far as I am concerned they don't exist on Thanksgiving.  It's gonna be CRAPTASTIC.  Finally, just to make sure I didn't miss out on anything, just to be certain that I consume enough calories that it will take the whole month of December to burn them off, just to be absofuckinglutely POSITIVE that I won't crap for a week, I will wash everything down with a buttload of beer and beach myself on my couch.  Because really, isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about?  Happy Thanksgiving!!