<knock knock knock>
Me: <mumbling> Who the fuck is knocking on my door? Fuck it. I am not expecting anyone. Maybe they will leave.
<knockknockknock>
Me: <whispering> justleavejustleavejustleave
<KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK>
Me: <hissing> what the fuck? <sliding across floor, peeking through blinds> FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
Sadness: YOOHOO!!! <knockityknockknock> Hellllooooooo!! Darling Dear?
Me: Shitshitshitshit <opening door>
Sadness: OH!! Here you are!! Look at you, my little pigeon! It has been too long!!
Me: Really? It feels like you were just here yesterday.
Sadness: Well, no dear. It has been a whole 6 months!! That seems like forever and a day! What are you doing with yourself? <barges in, nearly knocking my eye out with her garment bag>
Me: Um, let's see...I guess the usual. Moving things around making it seem like I am cleaning, taking a shower only when I start to offend myself, thinking of taking up a meth habit. You?
Sadness: Thinking about you, of course!! I just felt this force calling me here. You need me!!
Me: No, really I don't. I am fine on my own. Do you think we could do this some other time?
Sadness: Silly girl! There is no time like the present!! Let's get to it.
Me: No, really. I don't want to get to anything except maybe living a little. I really, REALLY can't do this now. Now about that meth habit...I need to do some research on the internetz.
Sadness: You don't want me here? But we have always had lovely visits! Remember last time? We did everything together!!
Me: Yeah, um, well...that's kinda the problem. See, you bring me the fuck down. I don't really like you. You never let me get anything done and you are such a fucking narcissist. I can't stand it. The worst thing is, you embarrass me in public and I don't want to be seen with you. How can I make you go away?
Sadness: Bwahahahahahaha!!! Make me go away? You really are so cute!! You can't MAKE me go away!! I come and go as I please! Showing up unannounced is part of the fun and adds an element of surprise! Aren't you surprised?? Alarmed even? See how FUN that is?
Me: Only if FUN is an acronym for Fucking Unbelievably Narcissistic.
Sadness: Hahahaha!! I love you! You make me laugh!
Me: ...
Me: Look, I hate you. How much more clear can I be? I.HATE.YOU. So, stay if you like, but I am going to pretend like you are not here. I will ignore you. I will block you out. I have a force field around me, protecting me from you. And don't even think about asking me to go running or to join me in any other activity I enjoy. No you may not. Are we clear??
Sadness: This sounds pretty important to you. But I can't leave. I have nowhere else to be at the present, so I can't leave until my time is up. I promise, you won't even know I am here. I will just sit in this corner here. See?
Me: You need to shut the fuck up, too. No talking. At all.
Sadness: <makes a zipping lip motion>
Me: Uh huh. Okay, I am going to clean up toys. <sideways glance> Leave me alone.
Sadness: <nodding> Mmhmm. Mkay.
Me: <pointing> I got both eyes on you, fucker. One false move...and I will cut your ass.
Sadness: <blank stare>
Me: Okay, sit there. I'll be back...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Thanks For Your Help, Douchebag
I am making some new rules for people to live by. Why? Because I think that there are some things people do that they shouldn't. These are things that anyone with common sense would automatically NOT do, but apparently, some people need a rule. And because they bother me. And I count more than anyone in the world because I am the most important.
1. If you have a hairy back and you feel that it is necessary to wear a tank top, for whatever reason, please, I beg of you, shave or wax your back. Just do it. Seriously. Also, think about doing the legs too if you are wearing running shorts that show most of your ass. Thank you, and America thanks you.
2. When you are shopping for cologne or perfume, make sure that the scent you pick out can not in any way, shape or form be mistaken for the scent that is used in a Porta Potty to mask the smell of piss and shit. If you think that there is even a tiny possibility that it could, walk on by. There are plenty of other colognes out there that do not.
3. If someone asks you a question, like let's say, "Is that coffee place open across the street?", and you think their question is stupid because it is 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday, keep it to your fucking self. Maybe they live in the country where everything opens at 2 on Sundays and they aren't used to the fancy, big city. Also, maybe they are not used to getting up at 4:30 in the morning and didn't think about the fact that it was Sunday or so early. And hey, if you are going to make fun of their idiocy, could you at least have the decency to tell them what IS open, because there were plenty of other places that were, you fucking DOUCHE. But thank you to the nice lady who DID offer me some information. I wouldn't want to seem ungrateful.
Anyway...moving on.
4. If you do work in said coffee shop and have to be there on a Sunday at some redonkulous time, try to have a smile on your face. Try to be helpful. And seriously? Move the fuck out of the way so the customers can see what kind of bagels you are offering. "What kind of bagel do you want? Oh, I am not going to move. I am just going to STAND HERE IN YOUR WAY." Look, no one wants to be up at that hour. Even me, and I was doing something fun!! So just...yeah. Get it together and be happy to have a job. Many people do not.
So, that's all I got right now, but I am sure I will be adding to my list. It's not hard to find new rules when you are so easily irritated by people. And by people, I mean others. To be continued...
1. If you have a hairy back and you feel that it is necessary to wear a tank top, for whatever reason, please, I beg of you, shave or wax your back. Just do it. Seriously. Also, think about doing the legs too if you are wearing running shorts that show most of your ass. Thank you, and America thanks you.
2. When you are shopping for cologne or perfume, make sure that the scent you pick out can not in any way, shape or form be mistaken for the scent that is used in a Porta Potty to mask the smell of piss and shit. If you think that there is even a tiny possibility that it could, walk on by. There are plenty of other colognes out there that do not.
3. If someone asks you a question, like let's say, "Is that coffee place open across the street?", and you think their question is stupid because it is 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday, keep it to your fucking self. Maybe they live in the country where everything opens at 2 on Sundays and they aren't used to the fancy, big city. Also, maybe they are not used to getting up at 4:30 in the morning and didn't think about the fact that it was Sunday or so early. And hey, if you are going to make fun of their idiocy, could you at least have the decency to tell them what IS open, because there were plenty of other places that were, you fucking DOUCHE. But thank you to the nice lady who DID offer me some information. I wouldn't want to seem ungrateful.
Anyway...moving on.
4. If you do work in said coffee shop and have to be there on a Sunday at some redonkulous time, try to have a smile on your face. Try to be helpful. And seriously? Move the fuck out of the way so the customers can see what kind of bagels you are offering. "What kind of bagel do you want? Oh, I am not going to move. I am just going to STAND HERE IN YOUR WAY." Look, no one wants to be up at that hour. Even me, and I was doing something fun!! So just...yeah. Get it together and be happy to have a job. Many people do not.
So, that's all I got right now, but I am sure I will be adding to my list. It's not hard to find new rules when you are so easily irritated by people. And by people, I mean others. To be continued...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)