Coming Up For Air

When I was about 4 years old, my grandparents, aunt, and uncle coming to visit my family one summer when we were living in Oklahoma.  One day while they were there, my parents took all of us to the pool.  While I knew how to make myself float around, I was still very little, so we stayed in the baby pool.  I can still remember the warmth of the day and the light of the sun shining off the blue water.  I have visions of my mother in her light blue and brown, checkered bikini, standing in the middle of the small pool.

As I played in the water and went under to practice holding my breath, some bigger kids swam over top of me and trapped me under the water.  I do not know if they did it on purpose, but I always feel like they were trying to be mean.  I remember pushing up on them, trying to break free, my heart pounding in my chest and ears.  I could hear the other kids above me playing and laughing, unaware that there was a problem.  Everyone seemed so far away.  I wanted to be laughing and playing, just like them.  I didn't want to be trapped beneath those big boys, feeling crushed and helpless, where no one could hear me, even if I could have screamed out.  Even though it was probably seconds, it still feels like I was under the water for a lifetime.  Suddenly, my 11 year old aunt grabbed my arm and pulled me to the surface.  I can see her looking in my face, asking, "Are you okay?!"  I could only cough and gasp.  I am not even sure if i cried, I was just so glad to be able to breathe.

Today, I have felt like that little girl being held down in the pool.  Everyone is going about their business, laughing and having a good time.  Christmas is almost here and people seem to be in high spirits, shopping, taking family pictures, getting together.  I want to join in, but I feel like they are too far away and can't hear me because I am unable to make a sound.  I know that tomorrow I may feel better, in fact, it is quite likely, but right now, that seems distant and unreachable.  So, I wait.  And hopefully soon, I will feel that hand grab me by the arm to bring me to the surface, where I can breathe again.          

Back To Crazy

Well, it has been quite some time since I have posted and I now see that not writing has been A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.  I am not sure what the fuck I was thinking when I thought I was "better," but I was completely wrong.  It is like someone who has BPD going off their meds, or the child with ADHD taking a pill break during the summer.  IT IS HELL.

So much has happened (or not happened) that I don't even know where to start, so I will just say that I am finding myself in a very familiar state of mind, much like the one I was in TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO.  However, I have learned from my mistake and will work very hard to make amends.  I will try to post instead of looking to social networks for escape.  I will post if I feel the only answer is getting drunk all day long.  I will post if my children are making me so insane I think I would rather give my a paper cut.  When i am not posting, I will think about posting.  When I am asleep, I will dream about posting.  In between, I will try to get well and search for medical answers.  Everything else will be about blog posts.

That was short and sweet and really, not all that hard.  So, hopefully I will see you soon.  You meaning the large, empty space that is the internet!!!  Ciao.