So, it's been about a month and I am still getting used to the new, old me. I would say that I am afraid the crazy me will come back, but I am not really. Not that it isn't a possibility, I am just not afraid of it. If she does, she does. If not, GREAT!!! I miss some parts of her, but seriously? I am pretty over her. The only thing that is kind of concerning, at this point, is all the damage that fucking bitch may have done over the past few years.
Now, I know I didn't cause any horrible damage. At least I hope not. I know I didn't rob a bank or anything. And I didn't murder anyone or start workin' the street or anything. But I may have pushed some people away over time and acted a little whacky. Pretty sure I said a lot of stupid shit and I know I picked up some nasty habits like smoking and trying to become a drunk, which never works for me for some reason. I even look back at my early writing on this blog and I was CRAZEEEE. Maybe a person who didn't know me wouldn't see it, but I can. Or, at least, I remember the way I was feeling at the time. And I was feeling out of my mind. In fact, if I met that me, I would stay the fuck away from her. Not because she was psycho, but mainly because she was slightly unstable and a little bit of a wild card.
So what's the point of me rehashing all this? Well, I will tell you. I feel good. Possibly great. I quit smoking 5 months ago (yes, I know that I resolved to quit almost a year ago), I barely drink anymore, I am really concentrating on being a more understanding mom (gotta work on losing the F word, and by F word, I mean Fuck. I should probably lose the S, A, B, C and D words too), joined a new homeschool group and I have been making new goals physically and trying to be realistic about where my body is. I do not even have the Dread of Winter that I usually get. However, I don't really know how to deal with my relationships that I may have ruined, made weird, or just changed forever. Normally, or abnormally, I would be anxiety ridden and pacing and thinking and crying and worrying and trying to apologize and just making it weirder. But now? I am wondering about it, but I kinda don't feel one way or the other. I mean, I kinda don't give a shit. I mean, I do care. I care about those people. But I kind of don't really think I should do anything. Like, there is nothing that I can fix, so I just need to move the fuck on and hope for the best. Also, maybe I didn't seem that crazy to them? Anything is possible.
So, lessons learned? Well, hmmmmm...don't go crazy. If you happen to go crazy, let someone know right away that you are crazy (make sure it is a trusted, long time friend). Try not to let your kids ride with you in the crazy (can be avoided by the telling a friend). Don't start a blog thinking you won't seem crazy. You can start a blog, it might help you. But people will be able to tell you are crazy. Just sayin'. And on a final note, if you find you have gone crazy and then are out of your funk, there is nothing you can do to change the past, you can only move forward. Do that and you will be fine. Peace.
