This Year I Resolve To Not Murder Anyone

I do not make New Year's resolutions.  I used to, but fell out of the habit when I realized how silly it all was.  To me, a NY resolution is something you should be making every day of your life, not once a year.  Take losing weight and being healthy as an example.  If you are overweight, why wait until the New Year to decide to get healthy?  "Hmmmmm...the scale says 250, but it is only November 15th.  I think I will make a NY resolution to shed a few pounds."  No.  That makes no sense.  Tomorrow is January 1 and I just know what it is going to happen the day after when my gym opens.  It will be flooded with people who have decided that they are going to resolve to get in shape.  Every class I love and attend regularly will be overcrowded and I will have trouble finding a spot.  This will continue for about a month and then slowly, but surely, the attendance will drop off.  ANNOYING!!!  And why does this happen?  Because people are only going because it is their NY resolution.  Not because they are tired of being fat.  Not because they have come to the realization that something needs to be done.  Not because they have reached that bottom that people reach when their life has come to a complete standstill due to their habits or addictions.  They do it because they feel they are supposed to, not for themselves.  It doesn't take a whole lot of thought to say, "I am going to quit drinking for New Year".  But it takes a buttload of thought to say, "My life is shit.  My wife left me and took the kids.  I hate myself.  My body is rotting from the inside.  I wake up in my own vomit most mornings.  I suck.".
     So, this year I have decided to do something completely reasonable.  Since I am already doing the things that would be the most likely options to use as a NY resolution, I have decided to make totally attainable NY resolutions.  Ones that don't require any thought on my part, and I will not have any chance of failing.  Please see list below.

1.  I resolve to not kill anyone and throw them in a ditch.
2.  I resolve to not rob any banks or hold up any stores at gunpoint.
3.  I resolve to not become a private dancer, a dancer for money.
4.  I resolve to not start smoking crack, shooting up heroin, snorting coke, huff household products or any other thing you may do with a controlled substance.
5.  I resolve to not become a cutter.
6.  I resolve to not set fire to three townhomes in my neighborhood and watch as they slowly spread to every other house on the block.
7.  I resolve to not become a lesbian.  Not because there is anything wrong with that, but because I think it might put a damper on things as far as my marriage is concerned.  Oh, also, I like men.  Most days.
8.  I resolve to not abandon my children and have them taken away by CPS.
9.  I resolve to not whore myself out for money and to not pimp my husband out when times get tough. 
And finally...
10.  I resolve to not strip off my clothes, pour gasoline on my body, light MYSELF on fire and run through the mall, engulfing the decorations in flames.

There you have it.  May 2011 bring more joy and happiness than 2010 and may God have mercy on your soul.  And by God, I mean the vast emptiness that truly exists.  Happy New Year!!  
 

Merry Christmas!!

Well, it's Christmas Day and everything has gone well so far.  Kids seem happy with their load of crap that 'Santa' brought.  I have never seen a 3 year old so excited about receiving toothpaste and a tooth brush in her stocking before.  The 5 year old did not disappoint this year.  She complained about almost every gift and even gave one away to her little sister.  That's okay.  It's to be expected.  She is a princess and has to let her place in the world be known.  I have barely seen my son.  Video games ROCK!  I am admittedly the worst French toast maker in the world, but managed to kind of get it together enough to serve up some syrupy goodness for the sake of the chilluns.  Now we are all just anticipating the huge feast that will soon commence.  So, all in all, I can't complain.  Well, I could, but that would just make me sound like a huge bitch and no one wants that.  Merry Christmas everyone!!

I'm Sorry I Have To Do This, But I Think You're Bringin' Me Down

You know, I have come to realize that giving up an addiction is kind of like giving up a friend that you really, really like hanging out with, but who would most definitely leave you in a ditch somewhere, given the opportunity.  It's like your dangerous drinking buddy.  "Let's partay!!  Come on beeotch, take a drink!!  I wanna get POLLUTED!  Comeoncomeoncomeon.  You know I don't like to party alone!"  Then, once you are puking your guts out, she leaves you and goes home with some guy she met at the bar, or hooks up with some other bitches and goes to a different bar.  And there you are, lying in the remnants of your life, wondering why you let this bitch hang out with you in the first place.  That is how I feel about giving up smoking.  When I am doing it, it seems fine.  It's fun, it's relaxing, it takes a little boredom out of things.  But when I wake the next morning and can't breathe, kind of hurt and think of all the bad things that can happen to me from doing it, I feel like shit.  And then I brew my first cup of coffee and cigarettes ring me up on the phone.  "Did you just pour your first cup of coffee???  I will be right over!!"  And so the cycle continues.  I know they are so bad for me and they keep me from doing things I want to do.  They also make me a little lazier than I already am.  But I love them.  In the sick way I would love the Bad Friend.  I miss them when they are gone.  I want to call them up and invite them back.  I want to believe that this time it will be different.  I will control myself when I am around them.  I will only smoke with coffee, or at night, or on the weekends, or when I drink.  That bargaining right there is proof that it's a problem and that the Bad Friend needs to be cut out.

<ring, ring>

Cigarettes:  Hello?

Me:  Hey, it's me.  I have something to tell you.

Cigarettes:  Wut up, Biznitch??  I was just about to call you and see if you wanted to get a cuppa!

Me:  Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.  Um, this is really hard.  I know we have been friends for a really long time and just know I think you are really great...

Cigarettes:  Wait, I know what this is.  Are you trying to dump me?

Me:  Well, I don't really want to think of it as dumping you.  I just think we need some time apart.  Like a long time.  You know, like forever.

Cigarettes:  Pssshhtttt.  You don't even know what you are saying.  That's just crazy talk.  Now get your fat ass over here and let's go get a cup of coffee.  What is that sound?  Wait, are you crying??  OMG!!  You are crying!!  You are serious??  I can't believe this!!  After I have been such a good friend to you for all these years.  Fine, bitch.  See if you find anyone as fun as I am.

<click>

So, goodbye cigarettes.  I will miss you terribly.  At least for the first few months.  And then hopefully I can forget about you.  Oh, BTW, you suck.      

Um, I Think It's Time For You To Leave

Sadness is a funny thing.  Some people may call it depression, but I prefer not to use that word.  It doesn't feel like depression, it just feels sad.  Anyway, Sadness.  I swear, she is like the guest that you had no intention of entertaining, or even inviting for that matter.  She just shows up at your door, unannounced, carrying her 6 piece luggage and settles in for an undetermined amount of time.  

Me:  Oh, Sadness!!  Um, I...wasn't aware that you were coming for a visit.

Sadness:  Oh well, I was going to be in the area, so I thought I would just drop in for a bit.

Me:  Uh, yeeeaaah.  Well, the thing is, I wish you would have called first.  Now is really not the best time.  The kids have school, the house needs to be cleaned, clothes need to be washed, and I really, really need to catch up on my toenail picking and hair twiddling.  Do you think we could do it another time?

Sadness:  Oh, you know me!!  I will be no bother at all!  You won't even know I am here!  Just go about your daily business and I will take care of myself.

Just like that, Sadness pushes right past you, knocking you on the ground with her oversized bags, giving no indication of how long she will stay.  That's when she takes over and starts bossing the family around.

"Mom!!  Sadness just yelled at me for sliding across the living room floor."

"I'm sorry honey.  You know how Sadness can be."

"Mom!!  Sadness says there is no Santa!!"

"Just ignore her.  She is a bitter, old bitch."

"Mom!!  Sadness said if I don't shut the fuck up she is going to sell me to a band of Gypsies!!"

"Next time, you tell HER to shut the fuck up."

Sadness also has to interrupt everything.  "Oh, don't worry about the laundry!!  Come sit with me for awhile and just stare out the window."  "Stop trying to do crafts with your kids.  Let's go look up pretty clothes on the internet."  "If the children have missed a bath for 5 days, what's one more?  Let's cry ourselves to sleep in your warm bed!!"

Then there is the escape attempt.

Me:  Sadness, I'll be back in a little bit.  I need to go for a run.

Sadness:  Oh!!  I LOVE running!!  Hold on and let me get my shoes.  I will join you!!

Me:  Er, no, really.  That's okay.  I prefer to run alone.

Sadness:  Pish posh!!  Don't be silly!  No one wants to be alone!!

She follows you everywhere.  Yoga, Walmart, Post Office, the shower.  It is finally realized that there is no escape.  Defeat and acceptance set in.  But wait, what's this?  Are those Sadness's bags by the door?  Is that her coat in her hand?  Hat on her head?

Me:  Sadness, leaving so soon?  It feels like you just got here.

Sadness:  Oh, I have stayed much longer than I had originally planned.  I have many other people to visit.  I wouldn't want anyone to think I have a favorite!!

Me:  Well, it has been a pleasure seeing you again.  Let me know before you come the next time.

Sadness:  It HAS been lovely!  Well, off I go!!  Until next time, Love!

And just as quickly as she appeared, she is gone.  You swear that the next time will be different.  You will remember to dead bolt the front door, put your foot down, punch her in the face if you have to.  But you know deep in your heart that those things won't happen and Sadness will worm her way back in sooner or later.  Let's just hope it is later rather than sooner.    

   

Okay OCD Girl!! Everything Is Gonna Be Okay.

I have these things that annoy the shit out of me and the fact that they annoy me actually irritates me.  I am pretty positive that if others knew the intensity of my feelings then they too would be irritated by me and try their hardest to lose me as a friend.  Or, maybe my friends DO know this about me and are just trying to be nice.  "Awwww, look at that pathetic girl and her neurosis."  Maybe.  Back to the subject at hand.  They are just little things that should not make the least bit of difference in the grand scheme of things, but I find myself highly bothered by them and try to control myself the best I can.  I will be the first to admit that it is quite anal and on the verge of OCD, but really, they are important and I can't seem to figure out why.  Now, this does not mean that I am an especially neat person.  I am sooooo not.  And it doesn't have anything to do with me being overly clean or anything.  I mean, I am clean, but just normal clean.  You know, I shower and everything (usually), but I am not a fucking freak about it.  In fact, the shorter the shower the better.  So anyway, these things.  It doesn't matter who does it, I always find it annoying.  It could be my husband, my kids, my mother, the dog down the street.  Also, it doesn't even really have to happen in my own home necessarily, it just needs to occur and I am a raging lunatic inside.  For example, I absolutely CAN'T STAND when cabinet doors are left open, letting their contents be known.  It could be the cleanest, most sterile cabinet in the world.  They could look like you could perform surgery up in that bitch.  It doesn't matter.  If the door is gaping open I want to throw hammers at people.  And I HAVE to shut them.  Like if I don't, something bad is going to happen.  And by something bad, I mean I am going to go on a murdering rampage with a battle axe and spend the rest of my days rotting in a prison cell.  Even when I shut the doors I want to slam them shut in the most passive aggressive way possible to let everyone know, "This is FUCKING ANNOYING ME!!". But, I keep control by reminding myself that it is me, not them, that has the issue.
     Another example would be the way I feel about a made bed.  Please, PLEASE do not sit on a made bed.  PLEASE!!!!  If it is unmade, I really couldn't care less.  Sit on it, roll in it, take a dump on it.  Once it's made though, you best keep your hands and your ass off!!  The comforter gets all jacked up with a huge butt spot.  The pillows become crooked and lean the wrong way.  The sheets start to come out from under the bed where they were originally tucked so neatly.  This makes me want to spit nails at the person sitting on the beautifully made bed.  Of course I wouldn't do that because then blood would get all over the sheets and shit, only fueling my rage and contempt.
     Okay, this one is kinda like the cabinet doors, but on a different level.  Are people against closing shower curtains?  Like seriously?  I mean, they are not just for keeping water in the tub.  They are also for making a bathroom look presentable.  Nobody wants to see a grimy ass tub with the with water stains and pubic hair left over from the previous shower.  Okay, maybe some people do, but NOT ME!!  CLOSEIT!CLOSEIT!CLOSEIT!  Is it really so hard?  No, it's fabric.  Just one swipe of the hand and, VOILA!!  Done!  I swear, one day it is going to cause me to take the shower curtain and wrap someone's dead body in it so I can throw them in a ditch somewhere.  Of course, I would only do that if I had a back up shower curtain to insure that the tub would not be standing naked in the bathroom.  We couldn't have that now, could we?
     This last thing (not really the last thing because there are many, many others.  Just the last I will share.) really takes the fucking cake.  I absolutely, positively, under any circumstances can not have toilet paper on the holder with the paper rolling under.  It must come over the top.  Do you hear me??  MUST COME OVER THE TOP.  The reason that I find this one particularly disturbing is that it doesn't make me angry, it doesn't make me want to murder, it doesn't even make me want to scream.  But...it makes me feel out of sorts.  Like nothing is right in the world.  And I have to fix it.  This would be fine in my own house, but even when I am at someone else's house, even if it is someone I don't know that well, I have the impulse to turn the toilet paper the "right" way.  And you can bet your ass I act on that impulse.  Then, once I have "fixed" it, I pat myself on the back and think of how lucky my friends are to have someone like me to help them out.  Because where would they be if no one was there to properly install their toilet paper?
     Now I know that these little oddities about myself are not really that weird.  Well, yes they are, but everyone has their stuff.  I just wonder why, if I had to be so anal about stuff, it couldn't be about cleaning my house, folding laundry, cleaning my car out before it looks like a toy store threw up, ate the throw up and then shit the remaining toys out.  Those things I could totally get on board with, but this shit?  Come on!!  Oh, wait, now I remember why.  Because I am lazy and would prefer to post on my blog or read a book or be doing something really easy like closing a cabinet door.

It's Not Really Free Now Is It?

As I was walking through the grocery store tonight, I noticed some Santa hats around a display.  I thought maybe I would buy a few for me and my kids, you know, as something fun for them.  So, I flipped one of the tags over to find the price and what do you know?  It said FREE!  They were FREE!!  FREEEEEE!!!  Oh, wait.  What's this?  Free with the purchase of 2 Hershey Christmas kisses or 2 Hershey Miniatures???  WTF??  Um, no thanks.  I will be okay without those.  Annoyed, I started looking around the store at the sale signs.  "Buy one get one FREE".  "Purchase 2 get the third FREE".    I could feel myself getting irritated by this shit.  In order to get a "deal" I have to buy more of something or things I don't need or want???  Hershey Kisses??  Miniatures??  Cinnamon rolls?  Gummy fruit snacks?  Oh, so in order to get a hat that I only kind of want, I need to load up on sugar and shit, gain 50 pounds, and have my teeth rot out??????!!!!  THAT IS NOT FREE!!!
     I thought of the ONLY thing I remember from Economics in high school, mostly because I just stopped going to school my senior year and was withdrawn, but also because Economics is boring as shit.  There is no such thing as a free lunch.  Those words came back to me tonight, as they have in the past, but with more weight for some reason.  That statement is so fucking true.  Nothing in life is free.  There is always some sort of catch or a trick or an expectation and you ALWAYS end up paying a price for EVERYTHING.  Even when I am downloading something FREE from the internet (legally, of course) it isn't free.  My information is being taken and exploited in some manner.  Some little dude on the other end is laughing at my stupidity.  "Mwuahahahahaha!!  That bitch thought she was gettin' something for nothing!!  Wait until she starts receiving SPAM!!  Dumbass!!"
Then, if you like the ONE SONG, hopefully you will PURCHASE another.
     FREE samples.  No, they are sorta free, but not really.  A free sample is there in the hopes that you will either like the product and buy it, or if there is a salesperson standing there, you will be awash in sympathy and buy it out of pity.  "Please buy this crappy party dip.  I make $5.00 an hour and my 4 year old needs an operation."  Oh, you don't have to buy it?  Correct, but then you pay in guilt FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!
     I am not saying I never indulge in these little "freebies" because, oh, I DO.  I just wish they were worded differently.  The word free is lame.  It should be, "These cheap as shit Santa hats come with 2 bags of Hershey chocolate".  Better yet, just put the chocolate INSIDE the hat and say nothing.
     "We happen to have an over abundance of oranges because they are in season in Florida and we are making a KILLING, so take 2 bags for the price of 1.  Fuck it, just take 1 for half the normal price.".
     "You can have a sample of our crackers, but only if you buy a box, Mutha Fucka".
The best though would be if advertisers were just brutally honest.  "We know you don't need this, don't want it, haven't even considered buying it, but we only care about the bottom line and are using the power of persuasion to make you buy it because human beings are suckers and can be convinced of almost ANYTHING".  I think it would make the world a much better place and at least then, as I pour Hershey Kisses down my throat, I would know that I WAS THE ONE who decided to get fat and bloated instead of being under the delusion that I had gotten the best deal ever and how those stupid bastards got taken by little old me!!