When was the first time you realized you were getting older? When you were 22? 27? 30? Yeah, I just realized it tonight. I am sitting on my couch, watching a show and one of the guest actors is someone that was in the movie "Braveheart". No big deal, right? Um, yeah. Yeah it is a big deal. This was someone I thought was HAWT when that movie came out. And now? Old and fat. And old. And FAT. So, I turned to my husband in amazement and point at the TV. "Do you know who the fuck that is? Do you know?" Yep, he knows. "Honey, that guy used to be HAWT! He was H.O.T.!!" <nodding> "He is OLD!! And FAT!!" <more nodding> And then, the thing I had no interest in hearing. "Yeah, we're old." And there it was. The words just hung in the air, echoing. Old, old, old, old. I felt like I had been punched in the chest, my mortality thrown in my face. When the fuck did this happen and why wasn't I informed? It seems like just yesterday my dad was throwing me around in the pool and teaching me how to swim. I know it couldn't have been that long ago that my brothers and I were walking to the creek by my grandmother's house and swinging on the rope swing made from a fire hose. It definitely has only been a couple of years since I was pool hopping around town in the public pools with my friends. And graduation? That totally just happened yesterday. So, you see, there must be something wrong with that actor because I am just barely out of high school. No, no. Don't try to use logic with me. I know how many kids I have. I know I have made a life with my husband. But where did all those years go? They're just gone and it happened so fast I didn't even see it.
If I could go back and talk to that young girl I used to be, I would tell her to stop and look around and not to worry so much about things that don't matter. I would show her all the beautiful things she missed the first time because she was so wrapped up in her shit and sadness and guilt. I would let her know that she is beautiful and smart and fun, no matter what anyone says. But, you know what else I would tell her? "Hey, you might wanna rethink that cigarette. And maybe get off the couch and get a little exercise. Oh, and seriously? Put down the fuckin' doughnut and walk away. You've already had 6. Someday you will be watching a program on TV and see a guy who used to be HOT and he will be OLD and FAT." But I can't. That girl is gone and all that is left is the sum of her experiences. All I can do now is move forward and try as hard as I can to stop every once in awhile, look around and appreciate everything that is wonderful and beautiful in this stress ball we call life. There is no reason to freak out at the most trivial things. It doesn't all have to be bad or constricting. Most of the time life can be fun and entertaining if we let it. There is so much to hold on to, even if it is only for a second.
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