A Mother's Day Wish

It is Mother's Day.  Again.  And guess what.  I am still a mom.  I am not complaining about being a mom.  I do not regret having children and I love them very much, but recently, I have found motherhood to be fairly exhausting.  I am not sure if it is the ages of my children, the age of me, my mental state, or just a normal phase that every mother goes through, but I am finding being a good mother even harder now than when my children were babies.  At the ages of 10, 8, and 5 I kind of feel like there should be a level of independence in each of them that isn't there yet.  Maybe I am wrong, or just have extremely high expectations, but the constant needing me to do things for them, like getting a drink of water, is sending me over the edge.  Then, when there are real problems to be dealt with, I am irritated and frustrated and act like a bitch.  Even while typing this there is a little person complaining, nay, WHITE WHINING about something I am not doing or giving them.  I am not blaming my children for this, of course.  They are just kids.  I have totally created this environment.  Somewhere along the way, I have failed them, along with myself.  At some point in time, I have made them know it is okay to act this way.  I do not know why I lack the tools to help them and be more understanding and nurturing.  Even though I know I am the adult in this situation and I can only control myself, I end up acting like a child, just like them, stomping my feet, screaming at the top of my lungs, "I WANT IT BECAUSE I WANT IT!!"  It is utterly ridiculous.  I know I am only human, but I also know I need to get a fucking grip and suck it the fuck up because they will not be young forever and someday I will be crying about childhood going too fast and why didn't I stop and pay attention for just one goddamn minute and stop complaining about their fighting, or whining, or crying?  They won't be doing that forever.  In 20 years they will have their own families and their own complaints about their kids.  Maybe they will all be blogging about their shortcomings as parents, or the difficulties of being an adult.  It is probable they will all discuss what a crazy fucking bitch I was and "wouldn't we have all turned out great if she wouldn't have been so fucked up?"  I am positive I am not the worst mother in the world.  I KNOW there are children who are neglected, unfed, never hugged or kissed.  There are kids out there who have never been given a chance in this world from the time of their birth.  Logically, I know this.  But maybe me feeling this way keeps me from completely detaching myself from my kids.  Maybe always having the fear of failure is at least helping me to not completely fuck up my kids and set them on paths to become murderers and rapists.  Maybe their whining and crying is just a sign that they trust that I am not going to freak out and beat them silly for asking for a drink of water or a sandwich.  Maybe they aren't so bad after all.  So, while my original Mother's Day wish was for them to leave me the hell alone, it has changed.  Now, I just hope they grow up to be good adults.