A Love Letter

Dear 37 Year Old Body,

When I first sat down to write this, I was totally prepared to bitch you out for failing me.  My leg hurts, my back hurts, I feel exhausted and depressed.  But, then something hit me and made me think differently.  If I blame you for the way I feel, then I am refusing to take responsibility for my actions and choices that have led to your deterioration.  So, really, I need to thank you.

Thank you so much for allowing me to be overweight for so many years and then lose the weight quickly with very little issue. 

Thank you for not being overly upset for smoking and drinking for so long and thank you for being patient with me while I kicked smoking, not once, but twice.  That was really kind of you. 

Thank you for being able to carry my three children to term and recovering so well after two cesareans.  And awesome job pushing the third one out after 3 days of labor.  I was in total awe of your power.  I didn't know you had it in you. 

Thank you so much for helping me get two half marathons and one full marathon under my belt, despite the fact that I was old to start a new sport, probably pushed you way too hard during training and did not always listen to you when you were telling me to slow down. 

Thank you for still being able to walk, see and hear.  I know that some people can not and I am grateful to have those abilities. 

Thank you for not (so far) having some type of cancer, even though I have given you every reason to do so.  I will try harder to not raise my chances. 

Finally, thank you for just being you.  You never complain about me, even though I complain plenty about you and you always seem to bounce back from most trials I throw at you.

Body, you rock and I love you.  I will try not to blame you for all of my shortcomings from now on.  I want to do right by you and give you back all that you have given me.  Oh, one more thing.  Please don't die.  I am not ready for that.

Yours Forever,

ApparentlyATotalB   

What?

<ringring>

Me:  Hello?

Hubby:  Um, where the hell are you?

Me:  Uuuuuhhhh, getting dinner?  Hellllooooo.

Hubby:  <clearing throat>  Since when does dinner take 3 hours to go get??

Me:  4.  4 hours, honey.  <out the window>  PICK A FUCKING LANE, YOU COCKSUCKING DOUCHE!!  Sorry, babe.  4 hours.  I am not there yet.

Hubby:  Huh?  Okaaaaayyyyyy...would you mind telling me where the hell you are going?  The kids have been waiting for over THREE HOURS FOR THEIR DINNER!!

Me:  Dude, chill out!  I am on 78.  I will be in NYC in a little over an hour.

Hubby:  ...

Hubby:  I...what?...What.THE.FUCK???

Me:  What?

Hubby:  NYC??  As in New York FUCKING City??  What?  Huh?  WHY??!!

Me:  What is wrong with you?  Everyone knows that the best Chinese food comes from New York.  Jesus.  Do I have to explain everything?

Hubby:  WE HAVE A CHINESE RESTAURANT IN TOWN!!!

Me:  I know, but I have become bored of that place.  The food is always kind of bland.  Have you noticed that?  The blandness?  I just thought we needed a change.  Something exciting.  And really, we should be taking advantage of the fact that New York is so close.

Hubby:  CLOSE?  Close to visit, maybe, but not for TAKE OUT!!!

Me:  Could you please stop yelling.  I am totally trying to pay attention to the road.  You know loud noises distract me and make me feel all crazy inside.

Hubby:  Okay, okay.  <exhaling slowly>  I KNOW that every once in awhile people need to buy the farm.  I get it.  BUT, there are like 1, 2, 3....Oh about SIX MILLION CHINESE RESTAURANTS BETWEEN HERE AND NEW YORK!!  Could you have NOT PICKED ONE OF THOSE????!!!!  MOTHERFUCK!

Me:  Seriously?  Are you really going to keep yelling at me like that while I am driving?  Because it could really cause me to get into an accident and die.  So, since it is clear that you can not see past the end of your nose, I will have to call you when I am on the way back.  Give the kids a little snacky and I will see you in about 6.  Peace!

Hubby:  GODDAMNIT, MOTHERF...

<click>