Well, the new year is well underway and everyone has made all the normal resolutions of quitting smoking, losing weight, eating better, staying away from strip clubs, not committing arson, etc.. Normally, I do not make resolutions, but this year I switched things up and resolved to shut the fuck up. Not stop talking, but just stop talking about my issues. I could elaborate on that, but then I would be breaking my resolution and seeing it is only the middle of January, that would kind of suck and remind me of why I don't ever make resolutions. ANYWAY, in my thoughts about my resolution, I started thinking about the phrase, "I can't complain," and I have decided that this might be the most fucking ridiculous statement in the history of ridiculously stupid statements EVAR.
Just think about it.
Fred: Hey, Lara!!! I haven't seen you in awhile! How's it going?
Lara: Eh, can't complain.
WHAT?!? Can't complain?! You can't complain about the windshield you had to replace TWICE this past year? You can't complain about your Staph infection that won't go away? You can't complain about not being able to afford the new iPhone 5million billion gazillion? You can't complain about that guy that keeps following you around the grocery store on Thursdays? Um, yeah you *can* complain!!! It doesn't mean you should, but you most certainly *can.* Unless, of course, you have some physical thing keeping you from doing so. If that is the case, then I am truly sorry. Also, definitely complain about the grocery store guy. To the police.
When I hear people say, "Can't complain," what I actually hear is, "I
have a lot to complain about that is really not any more than what other
people have to complain about and I want you to fish for more
information so I can complain." Um, nope. Not gonna do it. Because,
in all honesty, I usually don't care. I know how the people I care
about are doing and don't really need to know about the rest of the
muthafuckas walking around. When I have said it, it has mostly been because I don't feel like getting into it with that particular person because I don't really give a rat's ass about them. I also don't usually know what to say. But "can't complain" is just about the most uncreative small talk outside of the weather or sports. I think we can do better.
I understand why someone wouldn't want to go into great detail though. No one really wants to hear about vaginal dryness or the pubic lice you just can't seem to get rid of. I can't even tell you how many times someone has started running down their list and I wish I hadn't asked or that I would suddenly be hit by a semi, just so I would not have to hear their boring/disgusting/inappropriate/far fetched bullshit. Listening to that shit is treacherous and uncomfortable and telling it is just embarrassing. Still though!! People should just be honest or shut the fuck up. "A lot has been going on with me, but I don't really like you and wouldn't share my personal life with you if you were the only other person on earth. Now step up off me, mofo." Or, "I could go on and on, but I really don't think you give a flying fuck, so I will just keep my mouth shut. Have a nice day!" Of course, I could always make some shit up that would keep them from asking me what's going on forever. I am pretty sure long winded descriptions of anal leakage and bed sores would keep them away.
So, in closing, please don't say, "can't complain." Say you shouldn't complain, won't complain, will not bother anyone with stuff that isn't relevant in their lives at the moment. Say anything. Just don't say that, or it is a nutpunch for you.
