Coming Up For Air

When I was about 4 years old, my grandparents, aunt, and uncle coming to visit my family one summer when we were living in Oklahoma.  One day while they were there, my parents took all of us to the pool.  While I knew how to make myself float around, I was still very little, so we stayed in the baby pool.  I can still remember the warmth of the day and the light of the sun shining off the blue water.  I have visions of my mother in her light blue and brown, checkered bikini, standing in the middle of the small pool.

As I played in the water and went under to practice holding my breath, some bigger kids swam over top of me and trapped me under the water.  I do not know if they did it on purpose, but I always feel like they were trying to be mean.  I remember pushing up on them, trying to break free, my heart pounding in my chest and ears.  I could hear the other kids above me playing and laughing, unaware that there was a problem.  Everyone seemed so far away.  I wanted to be laughing and playing, just like them.  I didn't want to be trapped beneath those big boys, feeling crushed and helpless, where no one could hear me, even if I could have screamed out.  Even though it was probably seconds, it still feels like I was under the water for a lifetime.  Suddenly, my 11 year old aunt grabbed my arm and pulled me to the surface.  I can see her looking in my face, asking, "Are you okay?!"  I could only cough and gasp.  I am not even sure if i cried, I was just so glad to be able to breathe.

Today, I have felt like that little girl being held down in the pool.  Everyone is going about their business, laughing and having a good time.  Christmas is almost here and people seem to be in high spirits, shopping, taking family pictures, getting together.  I want to join in, but I feel like they are too far away and can't hear me because I am unable to make a sound.  I know that tomorrow I may feel better, in fact, it is quite likely, but right now, that seems distant and unreachable.  So, I wait.  And hopefully soon, I will feel that hand grab me by the arm to bring me to the surface, where I can breathe again.          

Back To Crazy

Well, it has been quite some time since I have posted and I now see that not writing has been A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.  I am not sure what the fuck I was thinking when I thought I was "better," but I was completely wrong.  It is like someone who has BPD going off their meds, or the child with ADHD taking a pill break during the summer.  IT IS HELL.

So much has happened (or not happened) that I don't even know where to start, so I will just say that I am finding myself in a very familiar state of mind, much like the one I was in TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO.  However, I have learned from my mistake and will work very hard to make amends.  I will try to post instead of looking to social networks for escape.  I will post if I feel the only answer is getting drunk all day long.  I will post if my children are making me so insane I think I would rather give my a paper cut.  When i am not posting, I will think about posting.  When I am asleep, I will dream about posting.  In between, I will try to get well and search for medical answers.  Everything else will be about blog posts.

That was short and sweet and really, not all that hard.  So, hopefully I will see you soon.  You meaning the large, empty space that is the internet!!!  Ciao.

Lessons I Learned In My Youth

"Growing the perfect sunflower is not as easy as it looks."  This is something my grandmother told me when I was 12, as she painted a picture of 2 children playing in a field of sunflowers for a Sunday school lesson.  I remember that day well, as she explained the loyalty the sunflower has for the sun, following it everywhere it goes.  It is one of many odd things I learned as I made my way through childhood.  It is something I will never forget.  Every time I see a sunflower I think of that painting.  I can see it as clear as day, like it just happened this morning and not 26 years ago.


 It's funny the things we retain from our childhood.  Useless information that crops up out of nowhere to haunt us, but really serves no purpose.  Like the fact that a widow's peak is a recessive trait, or that snowflakes have six sides.  I say that these things are useless only because they aren't really needed to function in every day life.  I mean really, when the fuck do I, ApparentlyATotalB, need to know how many sides a snowflake has?  Seriously.  When?  Why the hell do I know that?  Why?  WHY?!?  Why do I care that sunflowers are loyal to the sun?  Why?  And as far as recessive and dominant traits go, I am not a Geneticist, nor do I aspire to be one.  And yet, I carry around information about traits that are really useless to little old me.  


Now, just because I find this information useless, doesn't mean I don't find it interesting.  I am quite glad I know how to make chains out of clover, make friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss, and suck the nectar out of honeysuckle.  I am grateful to have learned how to blow an egg and press flowers.  I am very proud of the fact that I know the difference between a French braid and a regular braid and can do both.  Why you ask?  Well, I will tell you why.  Because my kids think I am fucking MAGIC!!!  I am a GENIUS!  They actually believe I am some all knowing godDESS!  When Mommy knows something special and different, it leaves them in awe.  I fucking LOVE IT!!


Now, I know what you're thinking.  That they won't think that forever.  Yes, you are right.  They won't.  Some day, they will understand, as I do, that along the course of life, we pick up meaningless information and pass it along to our kids, who will then pass it to theirs, and so on.  But, for right now, I have the power.  I am the all knowing.  I alone hold the information to get them through.  Me.  Myself.  I.  And I will cherish that time as long as I can.  Because, let's face it.  Not everyone gets to blow up the death star.   

I Never Learned To Play Hopscotch

Actually, that's not true.  I totally knew how to play hopscotch.  Along with kickball, dodge ball, and jump rope. What I absolutely did not ever learn how to do, and always wanted to, is double dutch.  That shit was fucking AMAZING!!!  So jealous of all the little fuckers that knew how to do that shit.

I would love to try to learn how to double dutch now.  I could totally see myself as a middle aged woman trying to maneuver that crap, tripping over the ropes, as well as my skin apron and sagging breasts.  It.Would.Rock.  My kids would skulk away, completely embarrassed to have such a pathetic mother.  Actually, I know my kids and they would embrace me making a fool of myself.  They love it when I act like a dumbass.  They think it is HILARIOUS.  Not sure if it is because they like to be silly, or if it is because they just want to see me act a fool.  Oh well, as long as they are happy.  Little bastards.

There are so many things I would have loved to know how to do as a kid.  Back handsprings, high dive, triple lutz.  I could have been an Olympic long distance runner, an astronaut, a successful lawyer, or an underwater basket weaver.  I could have been awesome...I could BE awesome.  Sadly, I never learned those things, whether it be from lack of motivation, low self esteem, or just no guidance and support, I will never know.

Fortunately, I am not one to dwell too much on the past.  While there are many things I will never become, there are many more things that I can become, and some things that I already have become.  I am a wife and a mother.  I am a friend, a confidante, a stress reliever.  I am funny, smart, sarcastic, silly, and at times, I can be a real fucking bitchass.  I am a woman.  All I can try to do now is make sure that I let my children know, if they work hard enough and want something with all their hearts, they can accomplish ANYTHING.  In the meantime, I am going to try to find someone who can teach me to double Dutch.  Specifically someone who will not laugh at me when I trip on my left breast.