Like A Bull In A China Shop

I have this weird thing I do that I only tell so many people about because it seems kind of crazy to me.  However, I do know I am not the only one who thinks like this, which sorta makes me feel better, but not really.  I have a tendency to imagine myself causing catastrophes.  Not like blowing stuff up or anything, just little, minor shit.  And I don't imagine myself doing things out of menace, more like fear that I will suddenly go crazy, lose control and start sweeping my arm across a shelf in the grocery store, throwing everything to the ground or break every TV in an electronics store with a sledgehammer.  The biggest thoughts I have though, are about myself.  I have a fear of heights, especially when I am near an edge or can see the great chasm below, like through glass.  I am so, so afraid of falling and plummeting to my death.  But...I have that THING too.  I feel like I am just going to jump off, like I just suddenly will have no choice in the matter and my body will be compelled to go right.over.the.edge.  So, the most odd thing about this (as if it isn't odd enough) is that while I am gripped with fear, I also get a little thrill from it.  In a scary kinda way.  It's funny too because I have absolutely no fucking desire to sky dive, cliff dive, base jump, Rappel, nothing.  The thought of doing those things makes me want to vomit.  Even the strange thrill I get from just thinking about what would happen if I lost control and jumped makes me feel ill, like the thrill itself is overstimulating.  I don't need that much to get a little high.  I get high from exercise, shopping a sale, being around friends, so I guess the high from imagining myself being hurled off a cliff, grasping for anything to save me gives me a rush that is too much to handle.
     Another rush I get that is similar is from seeing an accident while it is occurring.  I have only witnessed a few in my life, but I feel like I have been in more than a normal person should experience in a lifetime.  I mean, aren't there people that have never been in one?  I have been in at least 8.  That number seems to be a little high to me.  The first memory I have of any near death experience in a car was not actually an accident, but I find it frightening as an adult.  My father was borrowing someone's car and we were at the drive-through at a bank.  My father noticed the paint peeling off the hood of the car and as we waited for the teller to complete our transaction, he got out to investigate.  When he opened the hood, a flame shot up from the engine.  The teller was freaking the fuck out of course, my mom was screaming and all I remember doing was sitting there watching in amazement as my dad BLEW IT OUT.  He claims that he prayed and God <snort> gave him the ability to blow it out, but whatever.  I was maybe 5 at the time.  Since then, I have seen cars on fire and I just can't turn away.  That THING takes hold and won't let me move on and erase.  Same with accidents.  If I see an almost accident, I feel myself bracing for the thrilling end.  When I hear tires squeal like they are trying desperately to stop, I am listening, almost...wishing to hear the crash.  But, when I actually see an accident I get the initial thrill,  then soon after feel that sick feeling and wish I never would have seen it.  I just saw something happen recently in stopped traffic.  It was so odd.  A car passed me on the left and then came to a halt just like everyone else about 5 or 6 cars ahead of me.  Then, out of nowhere, I saw the car speeding to the right up a grassy hill right into a light pole.  I just watched the light pole fold in half as if made of cardboard and land in the road.  I think I even said, "holy shit".  It was horrible and awesome at the same time.
     I know these seem like morbid thoughts.  I mean, they are.  But I just can't help myself.  I am who I am and have to accept them as a part of me.  I just hope I never walk into a shop full of crystal and start breaking shit.