Funerals. These are always hard to attend. Everyone is sad, solemn, introspective. Generally it is a depressing affair and definitely not my cup of tea. Fortunately for me, I tend to cope with grief and stress by laughing and being inappropriate.
The last funeral I attended was for my grandmother. It was very sad. I loved my grandmother very much and it was very hard to go and see her little body in her casket. However, the whole ritual of the funeral is odd to me. I sometimes don't think I FEEL the way I am supposed to. Take, for example, the way everyone greets each other as they walk in. People are very hush hush, hugging, crying. While I am sure some people need this, I do not find it comforting in the least. I would rather go drinking. Maybe get high. What I really feel like doing is yelling at family members who bug the shit out of me and then maybe punching them in the face or kicking them in the nuts. Next time I am gonna start an all out family brawl.
When I get in these uncomfortable and awkward situations I instantly turn to humor. So much that I find it hard not to laugh in the most inappropriate way possible. I picture funerals in the Middle East where people are yelling and shooting their guns in the air. I imagine how funny it would be if someone were to light themselves on fire and run screaming through the funeral home. I wonder what would happen if I tripped and had my foot fall into an open grave. It makes me laugh like an idiot. Then, I attach myself to other family members who will participate in the silliness and make myself look even more inappropriate and insensitive by snickering around the body. I KNOW this is juvenile, but I just can't help myself. I don't want to cry, I don't want to mourn, I don't want to feel sadness (at least not in front of these mutha fuckas). I want to LAUGH!!
I think what funerals are missing are open bars. Hear me out. What better way to celebrate someone's life than by getting tanked and standing around the open casket talking about what a great life they had, or how much of an ass they were, whatever the case may be. People would be falling down, telling everyone how much they love everyone else. Maybe someone would even get naked. It would ROCK! And if you are going to have an open bar, why not go ahead and have a buffet? Everyone is always saying how hungry they are, so you know they just can't WAIT to get to the reception so they can eat. It would be so simple. Just set that shit up from the door to the casket. Win win. "Here's your Bloody Mary. Oooh, and before you go view the body, you have to check out the steamship round! It is DIVINE!" I don't think that would be disrespectful. My grandmother was always trying to feed me. I don't know how she would feel about the drinking, but hey, it's all about compromise.
I really think our society should try to implement these changes and make new rituals and traditions for funerals. I personally would be willing to set myself on fire at the next funeral I attend. On my way to the omelet station, of course.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
You're proud of yourself? Here's why you suck.
You know how it feels when you have finished something really big, or you are about to do something really important and exciting? A sense of pride may swell inside your chest or you may feel so much excitement and anticipation that you get a little high. It feels soooo awesome! But wait, what's this? Shit. Here comes the parade pisser to ruin your buzz!! Everyone knows at least one of these people, if not more. They are the friends that, no matter what you do or how excited you are, have to come along and tell you why it isn't worth being excited over. I am not sure why they feel the need to say every single thing that crosses their mind, but these people tend to be the biggest breakers of the Sometimes you just need to Shut.The.Fuck up rule.
"I am running my marathon tomorrow!!"
"UGH! I don't know how you can do that! I HATE running. It is sooooo boring!"
Nice. thank you for sharing. Now I feel like crap, but I am glad to know that running is not something you plan on doing.
"I got to go grocery shopping without my kids today. So peaceful!"
"Wow. So happy I decided not to have kids. I never want grocery shopping to be the thing I do for fun. Grocery shopping is horrible!"
Uhhh...yeah.
"I am planning on hiking the Appalachian Trail with my family!"
"I used to hike, but found it so unfulfilling. Now I just sit on my ass all day and eat potato chips."
Well, I guess it is a good thing I did not invite you to come with us, or you would be left for dead on the trail somewhere after I ripped your tongue out of your stupid face.
I am not even sure they realize they are doing it half the time because it seems like it is about EVERYTHING. Gotta a new hairdo you like? No problem. Parade pisser will let you know why it's ugly. Lost some weight? PP can make you feel like you are still fat. Met someone new? Not only will PP tell you why they are not good enough, they will also tell you why you will NEVER find anyone good enough. When you think you are feeling too great about yourself, no one can make you feel like shit better than PP.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Why would I care about what someone else thinks or says about me? Why can't I just brush off a stupid person's comments?? Because, silly, I am a narcissist and I need to be VALIDATED! And yes, I realize I could just choose to stay away from these negative people, but EVERYONE needs to recognize how awesome I am. So I will continue to grace them with my awesomeness until they can finally admit, wow! She's AMAZING! And until that day comes, I will be right here, bitching about them incessantly.
"I am running my marathon tomorrow!!"
"UGH! I don't know how you can do that! I HATE running. It is sooooo boring!"
Nice. thank you for sharing. Now I feel like crap, but I am glad to know that running is not something you plan on doing.
"I got to go grocery shopping without my kids today. So peaceful!"
"Wow. So happy I decided not to have kids. I never want grocery shopping to be the thing I do for fun. Grocery shopping is horrible!"
Uhhh...yeah.
"I am planning on hiking the Appalachian Trail with my family!"
"I used to hike, but found it so unfulfilling. Now I just sit on my ass all day and eat potato chips."
Well, I guess it is a good thing I did not invite you to come with us, or you would be left for dead on the trail somewhere after I ripped your tongue out of your stupid face.
I am not even sure they realize they are doing it half the time because it seems like it is about EVERYTHING. Gotta a new hairdo you like? No problem. Parade pisser will let you know why it's ugly. Lost some weight? PP can make you feel like you are still fat. Met someone new? Not only will PP tell you why they are not good enough, they will also tell you why you will NEVER find anyone good enough. When you think you are feeling too great about yourself, no one can make you feel like shit better than PP.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Why would I care about what someone else thinks or says about me? Why can't I just brush off a stupid person's comments?? Because, silly, I am a narcissist and I need to be VALIDATED! And yes, I realize I could just choose to stay away from these negative people, but EVERYONE needs to recognize how awesome I am. So I will continue to grace them with my awesomeness until they can finally admit, wow! She's AMAZING! And until that day comes, I will be right here, bitching about them incessantly.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Introducing the Chat Whore
What makes chatting on the internet so appealing? I do not think it is NOT appealing, I am just wondering what makes it so. I, myself, am a self-diagnosed chat addict, but why? Why is this thing so addictive? I have given it some serious thought and soul searching and here are some things I have noticed.
When I wake up in the morning and I have finished breakfast, I take my first cup of coffee to my living room. There I sit in my big, comfy leather chair and snuggle up in my afghan, coffee by my side. When I open my e-mail to see which little yellow lights are on (or green, because I have more than one e-mail account of course!), a little charge of excitement runs through my body. Who is going to be on there? What are we going to chat about? Who cares? Someone is going to pay attention to ME!! Why? Because I am the only person that exists in the universe! And as I settle in and open the little chat box, a sense of calm and peace washes over, like a warm bath that you don't want to leave. It sounds so awesome, right? WRONG!!! Chatting sucks. Not the concept as much as the actual action itself. The idea that you can get on the computer and have a quick conversation with someone seems ideal, and should be. You can ask quick questions in real time without worrying about children interrupting, you can keep in touch with people without using the phone (I like this very much), you can joke around and act stupid where no one can see you. The problem is, chat is not real. It does not replace human contact and does not even resemble a normal conversation. You don't know what I am talking about? Here are some examples of greetings used (at least in my world) in chat and why they are not acceptable to use when actually greeting someone in person:
"Meehaw" - I would never in a million years greet someone in this way. It doesn't make any sense and, as far as I know, is not a real word. At least not in English anyway.
"Meh" - Yeah, again. Not a greeting. Ever.
"Fleh" - Kinda like Meh, but not. I have never greeted someone in this manner in real life and if I were to do so I might get punched.
"Shploog" - Ummmmm?????
"Meow" - Just, no.
But the greetings are really just the beginning. The whole conversation tends to just go south from there. Not that there is NEVER important stuff in there, but really, it is sporadic and all over the map. An example of an actual conversation might go something like this:
"Oh, Jill! I am so upset about your car crash!! Is there anything I can do?"
"Thank you Stephanie. I will let you know. Things are looking fine for now, but we may need some help down the road."
"Oh good. Let me know!"
Now, here is the conversation on chat:
"Oh Jill! I am so sorry about your accident! Shit, hold on...brb"
"k"
"Goddamn it. Billy shit on the kitchen floor! For fuck's sake! Okay, sorry. Anyway, is there anything I can do for you?"
"No, I think we are ok for now...AAAAAARRRRGGGGH!! Wait a sec. Susie is screaming at the top of her lungs because she wants another fucking glass of milk!"
Do you see where the disconnect is? A lot of time is spent waiting on chat. And when you are addicted, you waste a lot of time that way. Again, I like chatting, but doing it all the time makes you miss out on social interaction.
Another thing that is bothersome is the fact that you are not really real on chat. Not that you are lying or anything, it's just you only let the people see who you are in chat, not who you are in real life. And usually that is a very teeny, tiny fraction of your whole person. Especially because you can not see what the other person is saying. Facial expressions and body language are a HUGE part of a person. When you chat, you have to imagine how the other person is saying it. Lots and lots of things can be misunderstood if you are not VERY familiar with the person to which you are chatting. Like this:
"My ho, my ho. What's up???"
So, I know this is clearly a joke, right? Unfortunately, I accidentally signed into a person that I volunteer with and said this, meaning it for someone else. For realz. Luckily, she never responded and never brought it up, but what if I had said, "God!! Where the fuck have you been, bitch!" or "You mother fucker!"? I don't think that would have gone over too well.
When I finally started to realize there may be an issue, my real self wrote down some questions for my chat self to see how bad it was:
Q: How many hours a day do you spend on chat?
A: Consecutively, or total?
FAIL
Q: What is the first thing you do in the morning?
a) Make your bed
b) Make breakfast
c) Sign on to your computer
d) Carry your computer around while you complete your tasks
A: I don't literally carry it around...
FAIL
Q: When you are out of your house, do you think about chatting?
A: Not if I am with the people I would chat with.
ERRRRRR!!! TRIPLE FAIL
So what is the solution to this problem? I have no fucking clue. But I am grateful for chat. It has made me come to the realization that I am not alone. Somehow I just need to learn to control it, by blogging for example. I am just wondering how long it will take me to become dependent on this. ;)
When I wake up in the morning and I have finished breakfast, I take my first cup of coffee to my living room. There I sit in my big, comfy leather chair and snuggle up in my afghan, coffee by my side. When I open my e-mail to see which little yellow lights are on (or green, because I have more than one e-mail account of course!), a little charge of excitement runs through my body. Who is going to be on there? What are we going to chat about? Who cares? Someone is going to pay attention to ME!! Why? Because I am the only person that exists in the universe! And as I settle in and open the little chat box, a sense of calm and peace washes over, like a warm bath that you don't want to leave. It sounds so awesome, right? WRONG!!! Chatting sucks. Not the concept as much as the actual action itself. The idea that you can get on the computer and have a quick conversation with someone seems ideal, and should be. You can ask quick questions in real time without worrying about children interrupting, you can keep in touch with people without using the phone (I like this very much), you can joke around and act stupid where no one can see you. The problem is, chat is not real. It does not replace human contact and does not even resemble a normal conversation. You don't know what I am talking about? Here are some examples of greetings used (at least in my world) in chat and why they are not acceptable to use when actually greeting someone in person:
"Meehaw" - I would never in a million years greet someone in this way. It doesn't make any sense and, as far as I know, is not a real word. At least not in English anyway.
"Meh" - Yeah, again. Not a greeting. Ever.
"Fleh" - Kinda like Meh, but not. I have never greeted someone in this manner in real life and if I were to do so I might get punched.
"Shploog" - Ummmmm?????
"Meow" - Just, no.
But the greetings are really just the beginning. The whole conversation tends to just go south from there. Not that there is NEVER important stuff in there, but really, it is sporadic and all over the map. An example of an actual conversation might go something like this:
"Oh, Jill! I am so upset about your car crash!! Is there anything I can do?"
"Thank you Stephanie. I will let you know. Things are looking fine for now, but we may need some help down the road."
"Oh good. Let me know!"
Now, here is the conversation on chat:
"Oh Jill! I am so sorry about your accident! Shit, hold on...brb"
"k"
"Goddamn it. Billy shit on the kitchen floor! For fuck's sake! Okay, sorry. Anyway, is there anything I can do for you?"
"No, I think we are ok for now...AAAAAARRRRGGGGH!! Wait a sec. Susie is screaming at the top of her lungs because she wants another fucking glass of milk!"
Do you see where the disconnect is? A lot of time is spent waiting on chat. And when you are addicted, you waste a lot of time that way. Again, I like chatting, but doing it all the time makes you miss out on social interaction.
Another thing that is bothersome is the fact that you are not really real on chat. Not that you are lying or anything, it's just you only let the people see who you are in chat, not who you are in real life. And usually that is a very teeny, tiny fraction of your whole person. Especially because you can not see what the other person is saying. Facial expressions and body language are a HUGE part of a person. When you chat, you have to imagine how the other person is saying it. Lots and lots of things can be misunderstood if you are not VERY familiar with the person to which you are chatting. Like this:
"My ho, my ho. What's up???"
So, I know this is clearly a joke, right? Unfortunately, I accidentally signed into a person that I volunteer with and said this, meaning it for someone else. For realz. Luckily, she never responded and never brought it up, but what if I had said, "God!! Where the fuck have you been, bitch!" or "You mother fucker!"? I don't think that would have gone over too well.
When I finally started to realize there may be an issue, my real self wrote down some questions for my chat self to see how bad it was:
Q: How many hours a day do you spend on chat?
A: Consecutively, or total?
FAIL
Q: What is the first thing you do in the morning?
a) Make your bed
b) Make breakfast
c) Sign on to your computer
d) Carry your computer around while you complete your tasks
A: I don't literally carry it around...
FAIL
Q: When you are out of your house, do you think about chatting?
A: Not if I am with the people I would chat with.
ERRRRRR!!! TRIPLE FAIL
So what is the solution to this problem? I have no fucking clue. But I am grateful for chat. It has made me come to the realization that I am not alone. Somehow I just need to learn to control it, by blogging for example. I am just wondering how long it will take me to become dependent on this. ;)
Blueberries for the Soul, and other such Bullshit
There is something I have come to realize over the years that I did not know until I became a mother. Other Mothers are bitches. Not the other mothers that are your friends, but OTHER Mothers. Do not confuse this with all Others sucking, which they do, but the Other Mothers are definitely in a class all their own and are particularly vicious and stupid. When you have your first child, you want to do everything right. You want them to be sheltered from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Unfortunately, you will do everything WRONG. And every Other Mother will be there to tell you how and why you are fucking up your child and how and why everything you do is completely ghastly and inappropriate.
First, you may not ever, EVER let them play with plastic toys because they will kill them slowly with the poison from which they are made. If that doesn't kill them, then the toys will magically get up in the middle of the night and jump in their throats to kill them. Plastic toys will stop at nothing until your child is dead and gone. Make no mistake about it. If you happen to show up at a playgroup with a plastic toy, you may be shot on site by the Other Mothers. "Is that toy made of PLASTIC??? OMG, do you know what is used in the plastic process? Do you know of the synthetic materials that have been placed in there and will leach out into your poor, defenseless baby's mouth and cause XYZ type of cancer? How will you live with yourself? Do you want your baby to DIE? ARE YOU INSANE?" This may seem like a gross exaggeration, but seriously, that isn't even as extensive as some of the shit I have heard. I just don't give enough of a shit to listen to the exact words being used anymore. Also, Elmo is not an acceptable character for your child to play with. EVER. He was handcrafted by the devil himself and will indoctrinate your children. Elmo's World? Exactly! I have actually met people and heard from my friends that they know of people who claim that they are not aware of popular toys. "Elmo? Who is Elmo?" Either these women live under a fucking rock or they are lying liars who lie. I tend to believe the latter. The only acceptable toys are lame as shit toys created to invite your child to use his/her imagination. "I use only wooden toys that have been carved from a single piece of wood and then gingerly painted with the juice of berries. They are then heated at the low temperature of 98 degrees in a special toy oven, found only in Zimbabwe, for 21 days." GAG!!! Not only do kids HATE these toys, they are ridiculously expensive and hard to find. I would be better off learning how to craft them myself with some sticks and leaves from my back yard glued together by dog shit. Another weird toy item is a cloth doll with no face. This is supposed to let your child IMAGINE what the face would look like. Now, I hate dolls anyway, they are creepy as shit. But one with NO FACE??? Um, no. That bitch would probably come alive and kill us all in our sleep!
Another thing the Other Mothers love to judge on are your choices in food. Not just for your children either, oh no. If you have not hand selected each seed that you plan to eat and lovingly placed them in your perfectly nourished soil and nurtured and cared for and watered and ever so delicately plucked the fruit once it has ripened, you may as well have handed one of your children a gun and watched as they callously pulled the trigger at each of the members in your family. The worst part is, you get sucked into the game and don't want to seem like you don't fit in. A friend told me of a mother's group she went to when her son was little. The meeting was set up in a round robin style and the question "What is your favorite comfort food" was asked as an ice breaker. One mother actually said, "I enjoy a nice cup of organic blueberries". I shit you not!! BLUEBERRIES?? I love blueberries, especially when they are in season, but as comfort food? Hellz no! Comfort food would be a chicken breast dredged in flour, fried in bacon grease, smothered in mashed potatoes and topped with about a ladle full of sour cream. I would even top that shit with bacon strips and add a pizza slice. THAT would provide me comfort. In no way shape or form are blueberries a comfort food. Unless, of course, they are baked into a maple bacon doughnut. I mentioned in an earlier post that I DO care about my family's diet and health, but let's face it. I will never ever be able to live up to the expectations of the Other Mothers and I certainly will never be able to think of blueberries, or any other type of berry as my go to when I wanna feel all warm and toasty inside.
There is the other side to this too. The Other Mothers that are mainstream. They are the moms who do everything by the mainstream book. And anything their pediatrician says is the word of God. I actually think there may be a mainstream bible floating around somewhere. "Ugh! I could NEVER stay home with my kids! I would go INSANE!" This statement is meant to sound like a compliment, but really it just makes them sound like complete assholes. "Breastfeeding just wasn't for me or my baby." That's nice. I didn't ask you, nor do I care, stupid whore. The act of breastfeeding is not a judgment, but it seems that moms who don't do it take it that way. It also seems to define where you stand in the Mom World. It's just like everything else people are labeled with. "Oh, that's Brianna the Breastfeeder. She breastfed her baby until he was 2!!! How disgusting!" The most horrible thing about the the Other Mothers that are hardcore mainstream is they have opinions about things that would never occur to them to do or not do and know very little about. A conversation may go like this:
OM: "My sister co-sleeps with her baby and he has the most horrible ear infections."
New Mom: "I am not sure one has anything to do with the other.
OM: "Well, my baby slept in a crib and never had ear problems.
GUH. How do you argue with that? It is, and always will be, a losing battle. Another controversial practice is Homeschooling. If someone introduces themselves as a homeschooler to the Other Mother that is mainstream, they will most definitely get an earful. "You homeschool? Oh. That's interesting. I used to know a family that homeschooled. They had 6 kids and they were all so DIRTY. I don't think she ever bathed them. And not one of them ever learned to read. 2 of them grew up to be feral, 3 are homeless and 1 is a serial killer." FO REALZ???? I mean, there is a point when it is perfectly acceptable to shut the fuck up.
Some day I would actually like to see two mothers go to blows. Two bitches duking it out over who is the best and most perfect mother? It would be WICKED AWESOME! It could be a new sporting event like WWE or MMA. It could be called Battle of the Other Mothers, or for short, BOM. Imma get started on that right away. Until then, can't we just be normal and judge each other in silence?
First, you may not ever, EVER let them play with plastic toys because they will kill them slowly with the poison from which they are made. If that doesn't kill them, then the toys will magically get up in the middle of the night and jump in their throats to kill them. Plastic toys will stop at nothing until your child is dead and gone. Make no mistake about it. If you happen to show up at a playgroup with a plastic toy, you may be shot on site by the Other Mothers. "Is that toy made of PLASTIC??? OMG, do you know what is used in the plastic process? Do you know of the synthetic materials that have been placed in there and will leach out into your poor, defenseless baby's mouth and cause XYZ type of cancer? How will you live with yourself? Do you want your baby to DIE? ARE YOU INSANE?" This may seem like a gross exaggeration, but seriously, that isn't even as extensive as some of the shit I have heard. I just don't give enough of a shit to listen to the exact words being used anymore. Also, Elmo is not an acceptable character for your child to play with. EVER. He was handcrafted by the devil himself and will indoctrinate your children. Elmo's World? Exactly! I have actually met people and heard from my friends that they know of people who claim that they are not aware of popular toys. "Elmo? Who is Elmo?" Either these women live under a fucking rock or they are lying liars who lie. I tend to believe the latter. The only acceptable toys are lame as shit toys created to invite your child to use his/her imagination. "I use only wooden toys that have been carved from a single piece of wood and then gingerly painted with the juice of berries. They are then heated at the low temperature of 98 degrees in a special toy oven, found only in Zimbabwe, for 21 days." GAG!!! Not only do kids HATE these toys, they are ridiculously expensive and hard to find. I would be better off learning how to craft them myself with some sticks and leaves from my back yard glued together by dog shit. Another weird toy item is a cloth doll with no face. This is supposed to let your child IMAGINE what the face would look like. Now, I hate dolls anyway, they are creepy as shit. But one with NO FACE??? Um, no. That bitch would probably come alive and kill us all in our sleep!
Another thing the Other Mothers love to judge on are your choices in food. Not just for your children either, oh no. If you have not hand selected each seed that you plan to eat and lovingly placed them in your perfectly nourished soil and nurtured and cared for and watered and ever so delicately plucked the fruit once it has ripened, you may as well have handed one of your children a gun and watched as they callously pulled the trigger at each of the members in your family. The worst part is, you get sucked into the game and don't want to seem like you don't fit in. A friend told me of a mother's group she went to when her son was little. The meeting was set up in a round robin style and the question "What is your favorite comfort food" was asked as an ice breaker. One mother actually said, "I enjoy a nice cup of organic blueberries". I shit you not!! BLUEBERRIES?? I love blueberries, especially when they are in season, but as comfort food? Hellz no! Comfort food would be a chicken breast dredged in flour, fried in bacon grease, smothered in mashed potatoes and topped with about a ladle full of sour cream. I would even top that shit with bacon strips and add a pizza slice. THAT would provide me comfort. In no way shape or form are blueberries a comfort food. Unless, of course, they are baked into a maple bacon doughnut. I mentioned in an earlier post that I DO care about my family's diet and health, but let's face it. I will never ever be able to live up to the expectations of the Other Mothers and I certainly will never be able to think of blueberries, or any other type of berry as my go to when I wanna feel all warm and toasty inside.
There is the other side to this too. The Other Mothers that are mainstream. They are the moms who do everything by the mainstream book. And anything their pediatrician says is the word of God. I actually think there may be a mainstream bible floating around somewhere. "Ugh! I could NEVER stay home with my kids! I would go INSANE!" This statement is meant to sound like a compliment, but really it just makes them sound like complete assholes. "Breastfeeding just wasn't for me or my baby." That's nice. I didn't ask you, nor do I care, stupid whore. The act of breastfeeding is not a judgment, but it seems that moms who don't do it take it that way. It also seems to define where you stand in the Mom World. It's just like everything else people are labeled with. "Oh, that's Brianna the Breastfeeder. She breastfed her baby until he was 2!!! How disgusting!" The most horrible thing about the the Other Mothers that are hardcore mainstream is they have opinions about things that would never occur to them to do or not do and know very little about. A conversation may go like this:
OM: "My sister co-sleeps with her baby and he has the most horrible ear infections."
New Mom: "I am not sure one has anything to do with the other.
OM: "Well, my baby slept in a crib and never had ear problems.
GUH. How do you argue with that? It is, and always will be, a losing battle. Another controversial practice is Homeschooling. If someone introduces themselves as a homeschooler to the Other Mother that is mainstream, they will most definitely get an earful. "You homeschool? Oh. That's interesting. I used to know a family that homeschooled. They had 6 kids and they were all so DIRTY. I don't think she ever bathed them. And not one of them ever learned to read. 2 of them grew up to be feral, 3 are homeless and 1 is a serial killer." FO REALZ???? I mean, there is a point when it is perfectly acceptable to shut the fuck up.
Some day I would actually like to see two mothers go to blows. Two bitches duking it out over who is the best and most perfect mother? It would be WICKED AWESOME! It could be a new sporting event like WWE or MMA. It could be called Battle of the Other Mothers, or for short, BOM. Imma get started on that right away. Until then, can't we just be normal and judge each other in silence?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Kiss My Bumper
I am a person that does have certain causes I believe in. Sometimes I feel very strongly about them because I know them to be right, other times I think maybe I start to feel out of control in my own world, so I adopt a cause to get through the chaos. Luckily for me, I have a pretty short attention span and get bored fairly quickly. It doesn't usually take too long before I have backed away from causes that don't really mean that much to me (I actually back away from lots of things I get bored with, which doesn't give me much hope for this blog). Whatever the reason I am involved in a cause, I do not advertise it on my car.
This is a phenomenon that I have never really understood. It isn't that I think that people should not be involved in their causes, or that the causes are even something I disagree with. I just don't really understand who the bumper sticker is for. Is it so you can flag down gay rights activists and make a gay friend? Is it to try to convince the pro-choice driver that it is immoral to have an abortion? Is it just to let people know that when you have a rebel flag bumper sticker on your car you are a giant fucker and, most likely, a raging redneck? I have thought about this a lot.
At one time, I did have two stickers on my car that advertised groups I was a member of. They were not inflammatory stickers or overly in your face, but they were advertisements all the same. I actually still belong to one group, I just don't publicize it on my car. Anyway, I have thought about why, at the time, it was so important for me to have these on my car and I have come up with a few theories:
1. I am an attention whore. I do not think this is uncommon in people. I truly believe that deep down people either believe that the world does or should revolve around them. I know I do. So, my causes are the most important because I am the only person in the universe.
2. I want to feel pride in something. It makes people feel proud to be involved in a cause they think helps society in some way. Right? If I have a bumper sticker that states I am a good person, then I must be saving the planet. I am making a contribution and I want everyone to know about it. Also, see number 1.
3. I like to feel like I am part of a group and that I am important to their survival. Everyone wants to belong on some level, whether it be in school, the workplace, or just in life. Even people who don't care, care about something. So, when you support a cause and buy your little sticker to place on your car and drive around to show it off, what you are really showing is that you are important to that group, maybe even the most important member of that group. Also, see number 1.
4. I wanna fight someone. This does not necessarily apply to everyone, but it most certainly applies to me. I don't really want to throw down, well maybe I do, but mostly I just want to get into an argument at the very least. For me it releases stress and anger that is bottled up and that is always more important than how someone else feels because they are wrong and I am right. The whole world is against me. Also, see number 1.
Another type of advertisement that boggles my mind are the weird, inappropriate TMI stickers. I saw one today that read: "Farmers like to do it in the dirt". WTF??? Thank you, John Deere lover, but I REALLY did not need to picture your sweaty, hick self doing it in the dirt. And honestly? Why would that be a turn on? Dirt is fucking disgusting. No. This one is a real gem: "I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day." That one would totally be cool on MY car, but seriously? How do you know I am ugly? Maybe you are ugly. And what does that mean anyway? That you assume I want to sleep with your conceited ass? Dumbasses.
Now I come to the thing that I absolutely can not stand. It makes me want to shoot laser beams out of my eyes every time I see them. The ribbon magnets. They might be the most ridiculous fucking thing ever invented. I am sure the people purchasing them mean well and I am not trying to make light of some of the messages, but PUH-LEASE!!! "Support our Troops". Yes, I am aware that there are some people in this country who do not like the military, but I think it is pretty safe to say that MOST support our troops and do not wish them harm. What this ribbon really screams to me is, "If you do not believe in the wars we are fighting, then you do not support our troops" or "If you are not with us, you are against us". Re-DICK. "Save our strays". Guh, w-o-w. I actually saw a ribbon one time that said, "I love My Cats". WHAT??? Someone actually paid fucking money for that shite. I love my cats. Good to know, dickwad.
I think i am gonna start making my own. "My couch is pretty". "I LOVE my hair" "My foot hurts" "I have vaginal dryness". I think all of these would be perfectly acceptable in our society, don't you?
Oh, and for anyone interested:
http://www.bbtoystore.com/store/CM_zygrabbag.html
You can get 5!!
This is a phenomenon that I have never really understood. It isn't that I think that people should not be involved in their causes, or that the causes are even something I disagree with. I just don't really understand who the bumper sticker is for. Is it so you can flag down gay rights activists and make a gay friend? Is it to try to convince the pro-choice driver that it is immoral to have an abortion? Is it just to let people know that when you have a rebel flag bumper sticker on your car you are a giant fucker and, most likely, a raging redneck? I have thought about this a lot.
At one time, I did have two stickers on my car that advertised groups I was a member of. They were not inflammatory stickers or overly in your face, but they were advertisements all the same. I actually still belong to one group, I just don't publicize it on my car. Anyway, I have thought about why, at the time, it was so important for me to have these on my car and I have come up with a few theories:
1. I am an attention whore. I do not think this is uncommon in people. I truly believe that deep down people either believe that the world does or should revolve around them. I know I do. So, my causes are the most important because I am the only person in the universe.
2. I want to feel pride in something. It makes people feel proud to be involved in a cause they think helps society in some way. Right? If I have a bumper sticker that states I am a good person, then I must be saving the planet. I am making a contribution and I want everyone to know about it. Also, see number 1.
3. I like to feel like I am part of a group and that I am important to their survival. Everyone wants to belong on some level, whether it be in school, the workplace, or just in life. Even people who don't care, care about something. So, when you support a cause and buy your little sticker to place on your car and drive around to show it off, what you are really showing is that you are important to that group, maybe even the most important member of that group. Also, see number 1.
4. I wanna fight someone. This does not necessarily apply to everyone, but it most certainly applies to me. I don't really want to throw down, well maybe I do, but mostly I just want to get into an argument at the very least. For me it releases stress and anger that is bottled up and that is always more important than how someone else feels because they are wrong and I am right. The whole world is against me. Also, see number 1.
Another type of advertisement that boggles my mind are the weird, inappropriate TMI stickers. I saw one today that read: "Farmers like to do it in the dirt". WTF??? Thank you, John Deere lover, but I REALLY did not need to picture your sweaty, hick self doing it in the dirt. And honestly? Why would that be a turn on? Dirt is fucking disgusting. No. This one is a real gem: "I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day." That one would totally be cool on MY car, but seriously? How do you know I am ugly? Maybe you are ugly. And what does that mean anyway? That you assume I want to sleep with your conceited ass? Dumbasses.
Now I come to the thing that I absolutely can not stand. It makes me want to shoot laser beams out of my eyes every time I see them. The ribbon magnets. They might be the most ridiculous fucking thing ever invented. I am sure the people purchasing them mean well and I am not trying to make light of some of the messages, but PUH-LEASE!!! "Support our Troops". Yes, I am aware that there are some people in this country who do not like the military, but I think it is pretty safe to say that MOST support our troops and do not wish them harm. What this ribbon really screams to me is, "If you do not believe in the wars we are fighting, then you do not support our troops" or "If you are not with us, you are against us". Re-DICK. "Save our strays". Guh, w-o-w. I actually saw a ribbon one time that said, "I love My Cats". WHAT??? Someone actually paid fucking money for that shite. I love my cats. Good to know, dickwad.
I think i am gonna start making my own. "My couch is pretty". "I LOVE my hair" "My foot hurts" "I have vaginal dryness". I think all of these would be perfectly acceptable in our society, don't you?
Oh, and for anyone interested:
http://www.bbtoystore.com/store/CM_zygrabbag.html
You can get 5!!
Monday, October 18, 2010
OMFGWTFBBQ?
There is something that bothers the shit out of me when I see it. I feel really hypocritical too, because I use it all the time. Internet abbreviations. Every time I use one, I am COI.
Now hear me out. I understand that it is much easier to type OMG LOL vs. Oh my God I am laughing out loud, but come on. It feels as though it has somehow spun out of control. You know people are just throwing the LOL around when they are not even really laughing. I also love LOLing. Um, no, dumb ass. You are not laughing out loudING. You are just laughing, so you are L-ing. LOL doesn't even really make too much sense. Why wouldn't you just say, TISF (that is so funny)? Or, YAFH (You are fucking hilarious)? These are things people would actually say in real life. Not LOL or ROTFL. And when the hell was the last time you rolled on the floor with laughter?? I think the last time I did was when I was high and fell out of my chair from laughter. I may have been a little drunk too, but that's a story for a different time. Even then, I did not ROLL AROUND. There is never a time when I am sitting in my chair, reading something on Facebook or in chat and find something SO FUNNY that I fall on the floor and start rolling around like a fucking idiot. Recently I saw a new one that I had never heard before. BWL (bursting with laughter). Really??? That is some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Is it because LOL doesn't carry the same weight anymore? Apparently, nobody takes the LOL as seriously as they used to, so someone just had to introduce the BWL. If you are going to introduce something new, try IALSHMCH (I am laughing so hard my cheeks hurt). It makes WAY more sense and is something someone would ACTUALLY SAY.
A friend of mine got me doing something cool. She adds ! at the end. I think it makes it seem more like the person is laughing. LMAO makes me think of the digital, female voice that tells me the time on my computer. LMAO! seems more real. I don't know why, just does to me. I wish that digitone lady sounded like that. "The time is now 12:00!!"
There are a few I rather like, though. I happen to like WTF especially when combined with ?????. It seems to look like exactly what it means. wtf as well. Looks like you are saying it under your breath. I also REALLY love OMGWTFBBQ, only because it combines WTF with a Q. Qs are always funny. It is the happiest letter.
What I would absolutely love to start doing is using them in every day conversation with real people. For example:
"And when Melinda caught Tom in bed with that slut, she removed her prosthetic leg and used it to beat him to death! Then, she literally shoved her foot in that bitch's ass!"
"O-M-G!!"
It would be even better if you said the explanation point, like this:
"O-M-G exclamation point exclamation point"
or
"W-T-F question mark question mark question mark"
Also, I just think people should start making ones up for random shit. HTGMOCT (had to get my oil changed today). Or, IGTROMPBAEF (I got the results of my pap back and everything's fine). GLLNAIWA (got laid last night and it was awesome). I wonder how long it would take for that shit to catch on...
Well, TTYL!
Now hear me out. I understand that it is much easier to type OMG LOL vs. Oh my God I am laughing out loud, but come on. It feels as though it has somehow spun out of control. You know people are just throwing the LOL around when they are not even really laughing. I also love LOLing. Um, no, dumb ass. You are not laughing out loudING. You are just laughing, so you are L-ing. LOL doesn't even really make too much sense. Why wouldn't you just say, TISF (that is so funny)? Or, YAFH (You are fucking hilarious)? These are things people would actually say in real life. Not LOL or ROTFL. And when the hell was the last time you rolled on the floor with laughter?? I think the last time I did was when I was high and fell out of my chair from laughter. I may have been a little drunk too, but that's a story for a different time. Even then, I did not ROLL AROUND. There is never a time when I am sitting in my chair, reading something on Facebook or in chat and find something SO FUNNY that I fall on the floor and start rolling around like a fucking idiot. Recently I saw a new one that I had never heard before. BWL (bursting with laughter). Really??? That is some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Is it because LOL doesn't carry the same weight anymore? Apparently, nobody takes the LOL as seriously as they used to, so someone just had to introduce the BWL. If you are going to introduce something new, try IALSHMCH (I am laughing so hard my cheeks hurt). It makes WAY more sense and is something someone would ACTUALLY SAY.
A friend of mine got me doing something cool. She adds ! at the end. I think it makes it seem more like the person is laughing. LMAO makes me think of the digital, female voice that tells me the time on my computer. LMAO! seems more real. I don't know why, just does to me. I wish that digitone lady sounded like that. "The time is now 12:00!!"
There are a few I rather like, though. I happen to like WTF especially when combined with ?????. It seems to look like exactly what it means. wtf as well. Looks like you are saying it under your breath. I also REALLY love OMGWTFBBQ, only because it combines WTF with a Q. Qs are always funny. It is the happiest letter.
What I would absolutely love to start doing is using them in every day conversation with real people. For example:
"And when Melinda caught Tom in bed with that slut, she removed her prosthetic leg and used it to beat him to death! Then, she literally shoved her foot in that bitch's ass!"
"O-M-G!!"
It would be even better if you said the explanation point, like this:
"O-M-G exclamation point exclamation point"
or
"W-T-F question mark question mark question mark"
Also, I just think people should start making ones up for random shit. HTGMOCT (had to get my oil changed today). Or, IGTROMPBAEF (I got the results of my pap back and everything's fine). GLLNAIWA (got laid last night and it was awesome). I wonder how long it would take for that shit to catch on...
Well, TTYL!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
To be completely honest...
So, let's start this off right and get some things out of the way. I am not a great writer, I am not even a good writer. To be totally and utterly honest, I am a pretty shitty writer, but that is not what is important. I WANT to be a good writer and I need to write, really because I am also unable to draw or paint, so writing is my only real option. Most days, I have so much going on inside my head and really have no outlet for all the internal crappola that is plaguing my soul. I dream about writing it all down beautifully and eloquently, but when it comes time to start I remember, I am not a good writer. So, if you are expecting a great piece of work on this blog, tough shit. It just ain't happenin'.
Second, you may find me boring. Now, I am not saying I find myself to be boring. I do not. In fact, I think I am pretty fucking hilarious, smart, beautiful, fun and just enough crazy to make things interesting. This does not mean that those things will be conveyed through my writing. Because...I am a shitty writer. So, if you find this boring, please, by all means, get the fuck off my blog and pretend you were never here.
Last, and probably least, I do not pretend to know everything. Well, yes I do, but in actuality, I do not know everything. I am not here to provide people with therapy, friendship, enlightenment or whatever the hell else you may be expecting. This is about me and only me. If you can take something away from it, great. If not, I don't really care. I only know what I observe in others and what I observe in myself and I can only speak from my own experiences. I will never try to offend anyone, but if you happen to be offended, that's your own damn fault. You make that choice.
Whew!! I feel better now that I have gotten that off my chest!! Don't you?
Second, you may find me boring. Now, I am not saying I find myself to be boring. I do not. In fact, I think I am pretty fucking hilarious, smart, beautiful, fun and just enough crazy to make things interesting. This does not mean that those things will be conveyed through my writing. Because...I am a shitty writer. So, if you find this boring, please, by all means, get the fuck off my blog and pretend you were never here.
Last, and probably least, I do not pretend to know everything. Well, yes I do, but in actuality, I do not know everything. I am not here to provide people with therapy, friendship, enlightenment or whatever the hell else you may be expecting. This is about me and only me. If you can take something away from it, great. If not, I don't really care. I only know what I observe in others and what I observe in myself and I can only speak from my own experiences. I will never try to offend anyone, but if you happen to be offended, that's your own damn fault. You make that choice.
Whew!! I feel better now that I have gotten that off my chest!! Don't you?
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