You know, it has been a super long time since I have really gone the fuck off and I am feeling like a good rant is overdue. I don't mean being sad or nostalgic or angry about my past. I mean a good ol' fashioned, PMS induced, anxiety filled, pissed off at the world, I hate everything, you're gonna get cut with a tuna can lid, ApparentlyATotalB style, go fuck yourself, muthafuckin' rant. You agree? Good.
Snow, GO FUCK YOURSELF!! I have been really good (I think) about not complaining about the weather. I have held my tongue when the low lying sun has made me want to shoot myself, then crawl in the bathtub with my toaster, then tie an anvil to my foot and jump off a cliff into a raging sea. When I was on FB, I stopped myself when I wanted to post statuses about the shitty, gray, November sky and how the mild, but still not warm enough winter made me think that nothing good could ever happen again, ever. For two years now I have restrained myself, dealt with it, tried to look on the positive side, but now? FUCK YOU!! All I wanted was a little get away at a fairly shitty time of year. I just wanted my kids to have a little fun and not have to worry about the cold weather. I just wanted my mind to be able to shut off for TWO FUCKING DAYS. But, no. You couldn't possibly let that happen because you, sir, are a douchebag. Instead, I drove for 3 hours to a resort, spent one night stressing about your piece of shit ass, only to drive home the next evening. The kicker, though, is that you couldn't even live up to your big WHORE MOUTH!! I don't see the almost two feet I was promised! Slacker! You suck. I hate you.
Now, for anyone who may think I seem like a self absorbed, entitled, narcissistic bitch, you are correct. I am. I should not have my plans fucked up because of something as stupid as weather, ever. My kids should not suffer from disappointment unless it is caused by me intentionally. And really, snow is stupid. It just needs to go away instead of messing up my winter plans of fun and warmth. Why is this happening to MEEEEEEE?!? Okay fine, I know my little temper tantrum is not really about snow. I know that shit happens. I know that I have personal shit that is causing stress and frustration. One of my little girls is having surgery this Friday and the past couple of weeks has been less than fun trying to make sure she stays well before going under anesthesia, stressing that she might get sick on the trip we scheduled months ago, freaking out that we may not be able to get home from our vacation before her scheduled surgery. It has been nerve-wracking to say the least. It isn't about me, I am aware, but trying to suck it up isn't working, so I choose to take it out on the weather. Is that so wrong?
Things are so much easier to deal with in the warmer months. When it is nice outside, the bad things don't seem as unbearable. Probably because we are constantly moving and going places. If I were more of a winter sport person, maybe my family and I wouldn't suffer so much, but I am soooo not that person. Cold makes me hatey and stabby and hurty. Bundling up is a pain in the fucking ass and washing snow clothes is just wrong and unnatural. Hearing my kids complain about cold just pisses me off even more. I should not be living in a place that ever gets cold. For realz. Of course, living somewhere too sunny and warm would cause a whole new fear of skin cancer as blond hair, blue eyes and fair skin are not ideal in those places. Well, fuck. I guess I just can't catch a break.
All I have to do now is get through this week without freaking the fuck out. Well, this week and then my daughter's recovery. And the rest of the winter. I just have to get through the week, recovery, and winter. Jeebus, I can almost taste spring on my lips. Beautiful, sunny, earthy, hyacinthy, wonderful, sexy spring. Glorious spring that allows me to wear less clothes, less socks and less structured shoes. And then... SUMMERTIME! Hot, sultry, sweaty, lay on the beach with a beer, practically naked, no shoes, sun on my face, my one true love summertime. Oh please let me make it. It's.Almost.Here.
