Please Point Me To The Omelet Station

Funerals.  These are always hard to attend.  Everyone is sad, solemn, introspective.  Generally it is a depressing affair and definitely not my cup of tea.  Fortunately for me, I tend to cope with grief and stress by laughing and being inappropriate.
     The last funeral I attended was for my grandmother.  It was very sad.  I loved my grandmother very much and it was very hard to go and see her little body in her casket.  However, the whole ritual of the funeral is odd to me.  I sometimes don't think I FEEL the way I am supposed to.  Take, for example, the way everyone greets each other as they walk in.  People are very hush hush, hugging, crying.  While I am sure some people need this, I do not find it comforting in the least.  I would rather go drinking.  Maybe get high.  What I really feel like doing is yelling at family members who bug the shit out of me and then maybe punching them in the face or kicking them in the nuts.  Next time I am gonna start an all out family brawl.  
     When I get in these uncomfortable and awkward situations I instantly turn to humor.  So much that I find it hard not to laugh in the most inappropriate way possible.  I picture funerals in the Middle East where people are yelling and shooting their guns in the air.  I imagine how funny it would be if someone were to light themselves on fire and run screaming through the funeral home.  I wonder what would happen if I tripped and had my foot fall into an open grave.  It makes me laugh like an idiot.  Then, I attach myself to other family members who will participate in the silliness and make myself look even more inappropriate and insensitive by snickering around the body.  I KNOW this is juvenile, but I just can't help myself.  I don't want to cry, I don't want to mourn, I don't want to feel sadness (at least not in front of these mutha fuckas).  I want to LAUGH!!
      I think what funerals are missing are open bars.  Hear me out.  What better way to celebrate someone's life than by getting tanked and standing around the open casket talking about what a great life they had, or how much of an ass they were, whatever the case may be.  People would be falling down, telling everyone how much they love everyone else.  Maybe someone would even get naked.  It would ROCK!  And if you are going to have an open bar, why not go ahead and have a buffet?  Everyone is always saying how hungry they are, so you know they just can't WAIT to get to the reception so they can eat.  It would be so simple.  Just set that shit up from the door to the casket.  Win win.  "Here's your Bloody Mary.  Oooh, and before you go view the body, you have to check out the steamship round!  It is DIVINE!"  I don't think that would be disrespectful.  My grandmother was always trying to feed me.  I don't know how she would feel about the drinking, but hey, it's all about compromise.
     I really think our society should try to implement these changes and make new rituals and traditions for funerals.  I personally would be willing to set myself on fire at the next funeral I attend.  On my way to the omelet station, of course.