There is something I have come to realize over the years that I did not know until I became a mother. Other Mothers are bitches. Not the other mothers that are your friends, but OTHER Mothers. Do not confuse this with all Others sucking, which they do, but the Other Mothers are definitely in a class all their own and are particularly vicious and stupid. When you have your first child, you want to do everything right. You want them to be sheltered from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Unfortunately, you will do everything WRONG. And every Other Mother will be there to tell you how and why you are fucking up your child and how and why everything you do is completely ghastly and inappropriate.
First, you may not ever, EVER let them play with plastic toys because they will kill them slowly with the poison from which they are made. If that doesn't kill them, then the toys will magically get up in the middle of the night and jump in their throats to kill them. Plastic toys will stop at nothing until your child is dead and gone. Make no mistake about it. If you happen to show up at a playgroup with a plastic toy, you may be shot on site by the Other Mothers. "Is that toy made of PLASTIC??? OMG, do you know what is used in the plastic process? Do you know of the synthetic materials that have been placed in there and will leach out into your poor, defenseless baby's mouth and cause XYZ type of cancer? How will you live with yourself? Do you want your baby to DIE? ARE YOU INSANE?" This may seem like a gross exaggeration, but seriously, that isn't even as extensive as some of the shit I have heard. I just don't give enough of a shit to listen to the exact words being used anymore. Also, Elmo is not an acceptable character for your child to play with. EVER. He was handcrafted by the devil himself and will indoctrinate your children. Elmo's World? Exactly! I have actually met people and heard from my friends that they know of people who claim that they are not aware of popular toys. "Elmo? Who is Elmo?" Either these women live under a fucking rock or they are lying liars who lie. I tend to believe the latter. The only acceptable toys are lame as shit toys created to invite your child to use his/her imagination. "I use only wooden toys that have been carved from a single piece of wood and then gingerly painted with the juice of berries. They are then heated at the low temperature of 98 degrees in a special toy oven, found only in Zimbabwe, for 21 days." GAG!!! Not only do kids HATE these toys, they are ridiculously expensive and hard to find. I would be better off learning how to craft them myself with some sticks and leaves from my back yard glued together by dog shit. Another weird toy item is a cloth doll with no face. This is supposed to let your child IMAGINE what the face would look like. Now, I hate dolls anyway, they are creepy as shit. But one with NO FACE??? Um, no. That bitch would probably come alive and kill us all in our sleep!
Another thing the Other Mothers love to judge on are your choices in food. Not just for your children either, oh no. If you have not hand selected each seed that you plan to eat and lovingly placed them in your perfectly nourished soil and nurtured and cared for and watered and ever so delicately plucked the fruit once it has ripened, you may as well have handed one of your children a gun and watched as they callously pulled the trigger at each of the members in your family. The worst part is, you get sucked into the game and don't want to seem like you don't fit in. A friend told me of a mother's group she went to when her son was little. The meeting was set up in a round robin style and the question "What is your favorite comfort food" was asked as an ice breaker. One mother actually said, "I enjoy a nice cup of organic blueberries". I shit you not!! BLUEBERRIES?? I love blueberries, especially when they are in season, but as comfort food? Hellz no! Comfort food would be a chicken breast dredged in flour, fried in bacon grease, smothered in mashed potatoes and topped with about a ladle full of sour cream. I would even top that shit with bacon strips and add a pizza slice. THAT would provide me comfort. In no way shape or form are blueberries a comfort food. Unless, of course, they are baked into a maple bacon doughnut. I mentioned in an earlier post that I DO care about my family's diet and health, but let's face it. I will never ever be able to live up to the expectations of the Other Mothers and I certainly will never be able to think of blueberries, or any other type of berry as my go to when I wanna feel all warm and toasty inside.
There is the other side to this too. The Other Mothers that are mainstream. They are the moms who do everything by the mainstream book. And anything their pediatrician says is the word of God. I actually think there may be a mainstream bible floating around somewhere. "Ugh! I could NEVER stay home with my kids! I would go INSANE!" This statement is meant to sound like a compliment, but really it just makes them sound like complete assholes. "Breastfeeding just wasn't for me or my baby." That's nice. I didn't ask you, nor do I care, stupid whore. The act of breastfeeding is not a judgment, but it seems that moms who don't do it take it that way. It also seems to define where you stand in the Mom World. It's just like everything else people are labeled with. "Oh, that's Brianna the Breastfeeder. She breastfed her baby until he was 2!!! How disgusting!" The most horrible thing about the the Other Mothers that are hardcore mainstream is they have opinions about things that would never occur to them to do or not do and know very little about. A conversation may go like this:
OM: "My sister co-sleeps with her baby and he has the most horrible ear infections."
New Mom: "I am not sure one has anything to do with the other.
OM: "Well, my baby slept in a crib and never had ear problems.
GUH. How do you argue with that? It is, and always will be, a losing battle. Another controversial practice is Homeschooling. If someone introduces themselves as a homeschooler to the Other Mother that is mainstream, they will most definitely get an earful. "You homeschool? Oh. That's interesting. I used to know a family that homeschooled. They had 6 kids and they were all so DIRTY. I don't think she ever bathed them. And not one of them ever learned to read. 2 of them grew up to be feral, 3 are homeless and 1 is a serial killer." FO REALZ???? I mean, there is a point when it is perfectly acceptable to shut the fuck up.
Some day I would actually like to see two mothers go to blows. Two bitches duking it out over who is the best and most perfect mother? It would be WICKED AWESOME! It could be a new sporting event like WWE or MMA. It could be called Battle of the Other Mothers, or for short, BOM. Imma get started on that right away. Until then, can't we just be normal and judge each other in silence?
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