This Year I Resolve To Not Murder Anyone

I do not make New Year's resolutions.  I used to, but fell out of the habit when I realized how silly it all was.  To me, a NY resolution is something you should be making every day of your life, not once a year.  Take losing weight and being healthy as an example.  If you are overweight, why wait until the New Year to decide to get healthy?  "Hmmmmm...the scale says 250, but it is only November 15th.  I think I will make a NY resolution to shed a few pounds."  No.  That makes no sense.  Tomorrow is January 1 and I just know what it is going to happen the day after when my gym opens.  It will be flooded with people who have decided that they are going to resolve to get in shape.  Every class I love and attend regularly will be overcrowded and I will have trouble finding a spot.  This will continue for about a month and then slowly, but surely, the attendance will drop off.  ANNOYING!!!  And why does this happen?  Because people are only going because it is their NY resolution.  Not because they are tired of being fat.  Not because they have come to the realization that something needs to be done.  Not because they have reached that bottom that people reach when their life has come to a complete standstill due to their habits or addictions.  They do it because they feel they are supposed to, not for themselves.  It doesn't take a whole lot of thought to say, "I am going to quit drinking for New Year".  But it takes a buttload of thought to say, "My life is shit.  My wife left me and took the kids.  I hate myself.  My body is rotting from the inside.  I wake up in my own vomit most mornings.  I suck.".
     So, this year I have decided to do something completely reasonable.  Since I am already doing the things that would be the most likely options to use as a NY resolution, I have decided to make totally attainable NY resolutions.  Ones that don't require any thought on my part, and I will not have any chance of failing.  Please see list below.

1.  I resolve to not kill anyone and throw them in a ditch.
2.  I resolve to not rob any banks or hold up any stores at gunpoint.
3.  I resolve to not become a private dancer, a dancer for money.
4.  I resolve to not start smoking crack, shooting up heroin, snorting coke, huff household products or any other thing you may do with a controlled substance.
5.  I resolve to not become a cutter.
6.  I resolve to not set fire to three townhomes in my neighborhood and watch as they slowly spread to every other house on the block.
7.  I resolve to not become a lesbian.  Not because there is anything wrong with that, but because I think it might put a damper on things as far as my marriage is concerned.  Oh, also, I like men.  Most days.
8.  I resolve to not abandon my children and have them taken away by CPS.
9.  I resolve to not whore myself out for money and to not pimp my husband out when times get tough. 
And finally...
10.  I resolve to not strip off my clothes, pour gasoline on my body, light MYSELF on fire and run through the mall, engulfing the decorations in flames.

There you have it.  May 2011 bring more joy and happiness than 2010 and may God have mercy on your soul.  And by God, I mean the vast emptiness that truly exists.  Happy New Year!!