I'm Sorry I Have To Do This, But I Think You're Bringin' Me Down

You know, I have come to realize that giving up an addiction is kind of like giving up a friend that you really, really like hanging out with, but who would most definitely leave you in a ditch somewhere, given the opportunity.  It's like your dangerous drinking buddy.  "Let's partay!!  Come on beeotch, take a drink!!  I wanna get POLLUTED!  Comeoncomeoncomeon.  You know I don't like to party alone!"  Then, once you are puking your guts out, she leaves you and goes home with some guy she met at the bar, or hooks up with some other bitches and goes to a different bar.  And there you are, lying in the remnants of your life, wondering why you let this bitch hang out with you in the first place.  That is how I feel about giving up smoking.  When I am doing it, it seems fine.  It's fun, it's relaxing, it takes a little boredom out of things.  But when I wake the next morning and can't breathe, kind of hurt and think of all the bad things that can happen to me from doing it, I feel like shit.  And then I brew my first cup of coffee and cigarettes ring me up on the phone.  "Did you just pour your first cup of coffee???  I will be right over!!"  And so the cycle continues.  I know they are so bad for me and they keep me from doing things I want to do.  They also make me a little lazier than I already am.  But I love them.  In the sick way I would love the Bad Friend.  I miss them when they are gone.  I want to call them up and invite them back.  I want to believe that this time it will be different.  I will control myself when I am around them.  I will only smoke with coffee, or at night, or on the weekends, or when I drink.  That bargaining right there is proof that it's a problem and that the Bad Friend needs to be cut out.

<ring, ring>

Cigarettes:  Hello?

Me:  Hey, it's me.  I have something to tell you.

Cigarettes:  Wut up, Biznitch??  I was just about to call you and see if you wanted to get a cuppa!

Me:  Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.  Um, this is really hard.  I know we have been friends for a really long time and just know I think you are really great...

Cigarettes:  Wait, I know what this is.  Are you trying to dump me?

Me:  Well, I don't really want to think of it as dumping you.  I just think we need some time apart.  Like a long time.  You know, like forever.

Cigarettes:  Pssshhtttt.  You don't even know what you are saying.  That's just crazy talk.  Now get your fat ass over here and let's go get a cup of coffee.  What is that sound?  Wait, are you crying??  OMG!!  You are crying!!  You are serious??  I can't believe this!!  After I have been such a good friend to you for all these years.  Fine, bitch.  See if you find anyone as fun as I am.

<click>

So, goodbye cigarettes.  I will miss you terribly.  At least for the first few months.  And then hopefully I can forget about you.  Oh, BTW, you suck.