As I was walking through the grocery store tonight, I noticed some Santa hats around a display. I thought maybe I would buy a few for me and my kids, you know, as something fun for them. So, I flipped one of the tags over to find the price and what do you know? It said FREE! They were FREE!! FREEEEEE!!! Oh, wait. What's this? Free with the purchase of 2 Hershey Christmas kisses or 2 Hershey Miniatures??? WTF?? Um, no thanks. I will be okay without those. Annoyed, I started looking around the store at the sale signs. "Buy one get one FREE". "Purchase 2 get the third FREE". I could feel myself getting irritated by this shit. In order to get a "deal" I have to buy more of something or things I don't need or want??? Hershey Kisses?? Miniatures?? Cinnamon rolls? Gummy fruit snacks? Oh, so in order to get a hat that I only kind of want, I need to load up on sugar and shit, gain 50 pounds, and have my teeth rot out??????!!!! THAT IS NOT FREE!!!
I thought of the ONLY thing I remember from Economics in high school, mostly because I just stopped going to school my senior year and was withdrawn, but also because Economics is boring as shit. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Those words came back to me tonight, as they have in the past, but with more weight for some reason. That statement is so fucking true. Nothing in life is free. There is always some sort of catch or a trick or an expectation and you ALWAYS end up paying a price for EVERYTHING. Even when I am downloading something FREE from the internet (legally, of course) it isn't free. My information is being taken and exploited in some manner. Some little dude on the other end is laughing at my stupidity. "Mwuahahahahaha!! That bitch thought she was gettin' something for nothing!! Wait until she starts receiving SPAM!! Dumbass!!"
Then, if you like the ONE SONG, hopefully you will PURCHASE another.
FREE samples. No, they are sorta free, but not really. A free sample is there in the hopes that you will either like the product and buy it, or if there is a salesperson standing there, you will be awash in sympathy and buy it out of pity. "Please buy this crappy party dip. I make $5.00 an hour and my 4 year old needs an operation." Oh, you don't have to buy it? Correct, but then you pay in guilt FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!
I am not saying I never indulge in these little "freebies" because, oh, I DO. I just wish they were worded differently. The word free is lame. It should be, "These cheap as shit Santa hats come with 2 bags of Hershey chocolate". Better yet, just put the chocolate INSIDE the hat and say nothing.
"We happen to have an over abundance of oranges because they are in season in Florida and we are making a KILLING, so take 2 bags for the price of 1. Fuck it, just take 1 for half the normal price.".
"You can have a sample of our crackers, but only if you buy a box, Mutha Fucka".
The best though would be if advertisers were just brutally honest. "We know you don't need this, don't want it, haven't even considered buying it, but we only care about the bottom line and are using the power of persuasion to make you buy it because human beings are suckers and can be convinced of almost ANYTHING". I think it would make the world a much better place and at least then, as I pour Hershey Kisses down my throat, I would know that I WAS THE ONE who decided to get fat and bloated instead of being under the delusion that I had gotten the best deal ever and how those stupid bastards got taken by little old me!!
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