Just Gross

     Last night my husband and I took the kids to Friendly's for dinner.  It wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I said I wanted to go out to eat, but my son seemed so excited about it and somehow, in our minds, we thought that it would be fun.
     There was a time in my life when Friendly's would have seemed AMAZING.  Cheese sticks, cheese quesadillas, crappy tuna melt, a HUGE ice cream sundae.  But I don't normally eat like that anymore, so the thought of their food is vile.  And guess what?  It was just as awesome as I thought it would be.
     I, of course, thought I was going to get everything on the menu as an appetizer.  This was the "fat me" trying to make an appearance.  Luckily, we live on a pretty strict budget, so I couldn't go too crazy.  I decided on the mini cheese sticks.  And then "fat me" tried to kick the mother in me outta the picture.  I actually did NOT want to share my appetizer with my kids.  I even considered telling them no and keeping the fried yumminess all to myself.  This did not happen, but I was a little asshole about it, dishing out only as many as I was willing to give up.  I watched in disbelief as my 5 year old removed the yummy cheese food and only ate the breading.  What a waste.
     Then came my entree'.  I gave myself two choices.  The fried chicken salad or the fried chicken wrap.  I don't know why in my mind these seemed like the most "healthy" options, but I really thought that they would be the lesser of the evils on the menu.  I went with the wrap.  I have to say, I really didn't think a flour tortilla could be any worse than the white flour ones you buy at the store, but this one tasted like...Jeebus, I don't even know.  Like at some point in the process it had been fried in fake butter and then dried, and then fried again, and then ironed maybe.  I really started to wonder how it was made to be so soft and pliable.  Also, how do you get iceberg lettuce to taste any shittier than it already does?  Blaaarrrgggh.  And don't even get me started on the tomatoes.  So goddamn gross.  I smothered this wretched concoction in watery ranch dressing because the honey mustard that was already on it was clearly not enough.  I was good though.  I only ate a small portion of my cardboard fries and gave the rest away.
     At least my kids had fun.  While completely unappetizing to me, their food looked fun.  My son's sliders came on little chopstick like skewers which the kids promptly removed and began to use as swords.  Mandarin oranges came on the side of my girls' hotdogs and I have decided that those have to be the most disgusting excuse for fruit EVER.  My 3 year old made me eat one and I thought I was going to have to spit it on the floor.
     Dessert came with the kids' meals and due to the fact that my wrap was slowly making it's way through my bloodstream, I was able to resist getting the Reese's Pieces sundae.  My son got this sundae that had an upside down cone and when my husband asked how he was going to eat it, I thought of all the inappropriate ways I could get us kicked out of the restaurant and banned for all eternity.  "Sorry guys, mommy's not allowed at Friendly's anymore.  Apparently they don't like it when adults simulate fellatio on the desserts.  I guess they don't appreciate the art of deep throating."
     Oh joy!!!  To top the night off the waitress brought each of the kids balloons, a strange toy that I have never liked and find a little dangerous.  Everyone always tries to put them in their mouths or beat each other with them.  The best is when they hold them up in the back seat so that I can't see out of the rearview mirror.  "Woops!!  The wind just carried them away!!  I'm sorry, babies.  <snicker, snort>"
     So, once again, I have been reminded of why I don't eat at places as awesome as Friendly's anymore.  I will remember for awhile and then in about a year we will decide to go there again, forgetting how truly disgusting it is and then wishing we had gone and eaten something more exotic.  Of course, I wouldn't mind going and sampling their phallic desserts...