I've Fallen Flat On My Back. Could You Help Me Up?

     So, I am a total fucking dummass.  An awesome fucking dummass, but a fucking dummass all the same.  Up until recently, I was not a beer drinker.  I always drank liquor, rum mostly, but after I had kids I lost the taste for most liquors.  So, naturally, I switched to beer.  Not ultra shitty beer, but not great beer either.  Of course, that didn't really matter to me because I only really drank it when I wanted to get drunk. :)
     This past summer, my husband helped me become a little more adventurous (hah!) in my beer choices based on the beers I would generally choose.  To my surprise, I found myself enjoying the different flavors of beer and not just wanting it to get drunk.  Don't get me wrong, I still wanted to get high, but why not like what you are drinking while doing it, right?
     At Christmas, my husband convinced me to try a beer called Raging Bitch.  I have to say, I would never choose to buy this beer just by looking at the bottle.  The colors are obnoxious, the letters on the label are frightening and there is a picture of a huge, rabid dog on the front.  No, I was scared.  I thought it would taste like dog shit.  But, I trust his knowledge of beer, so I gave it a whirl.  Ummmmmm, YUM!!!  I never knew beer could taste like that!!  You know, drinkable!!  I don't even think I made any kind of face with my first sip, even though I was all prepared to pucker my lips and do the sour lemon jolt.
     While we were drinking the so called Bitch, my brother and husband tried to explain why beer, having a lower Alcohol By Volume than liquor, could still get you drunk.  Yeah, I didn't get it.  It didn't click at all.  It was like someone trying to explain how you turn the TV on and a picture comes out.  I.Don't.Care.  It just does.  Period.
     Fast forward.  This past week, we have been trying beer that I like even more than the Raging Bitch.  Beer with higher alcohol content.  Beer that you only need a few of to have a nice, even buzz.  AWESOME!!  The first couple of nights were great because I didn't get Stinko in the Sinko, I just stayed nice and happy.  Almost like I had smoked a bowl, but legal!!  The third night, my hubby bought three different beers.  A Little Sumpin' Wild, Double Bastard and Dogfish Fort.  The first, YUMM-O.  Citrusy, like pineapples and oranges.  The second, not my type of beer, but still pretty good.  Tasted a little like Whoppers.  High end Whoppers, of course.  By the third, which was a raspberry beer, I was feeling pretty warm and this little bell was going off in my head like, "Hey, you stupid bitch, don't drink that.  You feel good, just stop.  Now."  Did I listen?  HELLZ NO!!  I went right on down the road, wanting to enjoy the beer with my husband.  Also, maybe not wanting him to think I couldn't hang with the big boys.  So I plowed ahead.  Fort tastes like raspberry soda.  Like a fizzy soda you would get from some pretentious health food store.  It went down quick and smooth.  It is also 18% alcohol.
     Suddenly, I felt drunk.  Not tipsy, not heavily buzzed, drunk.  Falling down, breaking shit, waking up in your own vomit, drunk.  And I am telling my husband, "Oh my fucking gawd, I am DRUNK!".  And, like a bolt of lightning, it hit me.  I had an epiphany the way you would have one smoking a joint and suddenly understanding the meaning of the universe and why you are in it.  "Holy shit!!  This whole glass was 18% alcohol!!  Like the WHOLE GLASS!!  A shot of liquor mixed with coke in the same glass DOES NOT equal 18% alcohol!!  I get it!  I get it!!  I was blind!!  Now I see!!!  JEEBUS F. CHRISTMAS!!!  I am POH-LOOTED!!!"  And with that, my husband tucked me into bed before I could go running through the neighborhood wearing nothing but my running shoes.
     What have I learned from this experience?  Well, for starters, math is not my strong suit.  Two, when you have had three beers in a rocks glass and don't think it is that much, remember that the rocks glass holds 12 oz. and the lowest percentage of alcohol you are drinking is just under 9%.  And C, I am a huge, drunk, fucking dummass.