Oh Fuckin' Hell, Really, Can't You Just Get The Fuck Out?

<knock knock knock>

Me:  <mumbling>  Who the fuck is knocking on my door?  Fuck it.  I am not expecting anyone.  Maybe they will leave.

<knockknockknock>

Me:  <whispering>  justleavejustleavejustleave

<KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK>

Me:  <hissing>  what the fuck?  <sliding across floor, peeking through blinds>  FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Sadness:  YOOHOO!!!  <knockityknockknock> Hellllooooooo!!  Darling Dear?

Me:  Shitshitshitshit <opening door>

Sadness:  OH!!  Here you are!!  Look at you, my little pigeon!  It has been too long!!

Me:  Really?  It feels like you were just here yesterday.

Sadness:  Well, no dear.  It has been a whole 6 months!!  That seems like forever and a day!  What are you doing with yourself?  <barges in, nearly knocking my eye out with her garment bag>

Me:  Um, let's see...I guess the usual.  Moving things around making it seem like I am cleaning, taking a shower only when I start to offend myself, thinking of taking up a meth habit.  You?

Sadness:  Thinking about you, of course!!  I just felt this force calling me here.  You need me!!

Me:  No, really I don't.  I am fine on my own.  Do you think we could do this some other time?

Sadness:  Silly girl!  There is no time like the present!!  Let's get to it.

Me:  No, really.  I don't want to get to anything except maybe living a little.  I really, REALLY can't do this now.  Now about that meth habit...I need to do some research on the internetz.

Sadness:  You don't want me here?  But we have always had lovely visits!  Remember last time?  We did everything together!!

Me:  Yeah, um, well...that's kinda the problem.  See, you bring me the fuck down.  I don't really like you.  You never let me get anything done and you are such a fucking narcissist.  I can't stand it.  The worst thing is, you embarrass me in public and I don't want to be seen with you.  How can I make you go away?

Sadness:  Bwahahahahahaha!!!  Make me go away?  You really are so cute!!  You can't MAKE me go away!!  I come and go as I please!  Showing up unannounced is part of the fun and adds an element of surprise!  Aren't you surprised??  Alarmed even?  See how FUN that is?

Me:  Only if FUN is an acronym for Fucking Unbelievably Narcissistic.   

Sadness:  Hahahaha!!  I love you!  You make me laugh!

Me:  ...

Me:  Look, I hate you.  How much more clear can I be?  I.HATE.YOU.  So, stay if you like, but I am going to pretend like you are not here.  I will ignore you.  I will block you out.  I have a force field around me, protecting me from you.  And don't even think about asking me to go running or to join me in any other activity I enjoy.  No you may not.  Are we clear??

Sadness:  This sounds pretty important to you.  But I can't leave.  I have nowhere else to be at the present, so I can't leave until my time is up.  I promise, you won't even know I am here.  I will just sit in this corner here.  See?

Me:  You need to shut the fuck up, too.  No talking.  At all.

Sadness:  <makes a zipping lip motion>

Me:  Uh huh.  Okay, I am going to clean up toys.  <sideways glance>  Leave me alone.

Sadness:  <nodding>  Mmhmm.  Mkay.

Me:  <pointing>  I got both eyes on you, fucker.  One false move...and I will cut your ass.

Sadness:  <blank stare>

Me:  Okay, sit there.  I'll be back...