What?

<ringring>

Me:  Hello?

Hubby:  Um, where the hell are you?

Me:  Uuuuuhhhh, getting dinner?  Hellllooooo.

Hubby:  <clearing throat>  Since when does dinner take 3 hours to go get??

Me:  4.  4 hours, honey.  <out the window>  PICK A FUCKING LANE, YOU COCKSUCKING DOUCHE!!  Sorry, babe.  4 hours.  I am not there yet.

Hubby:  Huh?  Okaaaaayyyyyy...would you mind telling me where the hell you are going?  The kids have been waiting for over THREE HOURS FOR THEIR DINNER!!

Me:  Dude, chill out!  I am on 78.  I will be in NYC in a little over an hour.

Hubby:  ...

Hubby:  I...what?...What.THE.FUCK???

Me:  What?

Hubby:  NYC??  As in New York FUCKING City??  What?  Huh?  WHY??!!

Me:  What is wrong with you?  Everyone knows that the best Chinese food comes from New York.  Jesus.  Do I have to explain everything?

Hubby:  WE HAVE A CHINESE RESTAURANT IN TOWN!!!

Me:  I know, but I have become bored of that place.  The food is always kind of bland.  Have you noticed that?  The blandness?  I just thought we needed a change.  Something exciting.  And really, we should be taking advantage of the fact that New York is so close.

Hubby:  CLOSE?  Close to visit, maybe, but not for TAKE OUT!!!

Me:  Could you please stop yelling.  I am totally trying to pay attention to the road.  You know loud noises distract me and make me feel all crazy inside.

Hubby:  Okay, okay.  <exhaling slowly>  I KNOW that every once in awhile people need to buy the farm.  I get it.  BUT, there are like 1, 2, 3....Oh about SIX MILLION CHINESE RESTAURANTS BETWEEN HERE AND NEW YORK!!  Could you have NOT PICKED ONE OF THOSE????!!!!  MOTHERFUCK!

Me:  Seriously?  Are you really going to keep yelling at me like that while I am driving?  Because it could really cause me to get into an accident and die.  So, since it is clear that you can not see past the end of your nose, I will have to call you when I am on the way back.  Give the kids a little snacky and I will see you in about 6.  Peace!

Hubby:  GODDAMNIT, MOTHERF...

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