When I was about 4 years old, my grandparents, aunt, and uncle coming to visit my family one summer when we were living in Oklahoma. One day while they were there, my parents took all of us to the pool. While I knew how to make myself float around, I was still very little, so we stayed in the baby pool. I can still remember the warmth of the day and the light of the sun shining off the blue water. I have visions of my mother in her light blue and brown, checkered bikini, standing in the middle of the small pool.
As I played in the water and went under to practice holding my breath, some bigger kids swam over top of me and trapped me under the water. I do not know if they did it on purpose, but I always feel like they were trying to be mean. I remember pushing up on them, trying to break free, my heart pounding in my chest and ears. I could hear the other kids above me playing and laughing, unaware that there was a problem. Everyone seemed so far away. I wanted to be laughing and playing, just like them. I didn't want to be trapped beneath those big boys, feeling crushed and helpless, where no one could hear me, even if I could have screamed out. Even though it was probably seconds, it still feels like I was under the water for a lifetime. Suddenly, my 11 year old aunt grabbed my arm and pulled me to the surface. I can see her looking in my face, asking, "Are you okay?!" I could only cough and gasp. I am not even sure if i cried, I was just so glad to be able to breathe.
Today, I have felt like that little girl being held down in the pool. Everyone is going about their business, laughing and having a good time. Christmas is almost here and people seem to be in high spirits, shopping, taking family pictures, getting together. I want to join in, but I feel like they are too far away and can't hear me because I am unable to make a sound. I know that tomorrow I may feel better, in fact, it is quite likely, but right now, that seems distant and unreachable. So, I wait. And hopefully soon, I will feel that hand grab me by the arm to bring me to the surface, where I can breathe again.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
Back To Crazy
Well, it has been quite some time since I have posted and I now see that not writing has been A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. I am not sure what the fuck I was thinking when I thought I was "better," but I was completely wrong. It is like someone who has BPD going off their meds, or the child with ADHD taking a pill break during the summer. IT IS HELL.
So much has happened (or not happened) that I don't even know where to start, so I will just say that I am finding myself in a very familiar state of mind, much like the one I was in TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO. However, I have learned from my mistake and will work very hard to make amends. I will try to post instead of looking to social networks for escape. I will post if I feel the only answer is getting drunk all day long. I will post if my children are making me so insane I think I would rather give my a paper cut. When i am not posting, I will think about posting. When I am asleep, I will dream about posting. In between, I will try to get well and search for medical answers. Everything else will be about blog posts.
That was short and sweet and really, not all that hard. So, hopefully I will see you soon. You meaning the large, empty space that is the internet!!! Ciao.
So much has happened (or not happened) that I don't even know where to start, so I will just say that I am finding myself in a very familiar state of mind, much like the one I was in TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO. However, I have learned from my mistake and will work very hard to make amends. I will try to post instead of looking to social networks for escape. I will post if I feel the only answer is getting drunk all day long. I will post if my children are making me so insane I think I would rather give my a paper cut. When i am not posting, I will think about posting. When I am asleep, I will dream about posting. In between, I will try to get well and search for medical answers. Everything else will be about blog posts.
That was short and sweet and really, not all that hard. So, hopefully I will see you soon. You meaning the large, empty space that is the internet!!! Ciao.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Lessons I Learned In My Youth
"Growing the perfect sunflower is not as easy as it looks." This is something my grandmother told me when I was 12, as she painted a picture of 2 children playing in a field of sunflowers for a Sunday school lesson. I remember that day well, as she explained the loyalty the sunflower has for the sun, following it everywhere it goes. It is one of many odd things I learned as I made my way through childhood. It is something I will never forget. Every time I see a sunflower I think of that painting. I can see it as clear as day, like it just happened this morning and not 26 years ago.
It's funny the things we retain from our childhood. Useless information that crops up out of nowhere to haunt us, but really serves no purpose. Like the fact that a widow's peak is a recessive trait, or that snowflakes have six sides. I say that these things are useless only because they aren't really needed to function in every day life. I mean really, when the fuck do I, ApparentlyATotalB, need to know how many sides a snowflake has? Seriously. When? Why the hell do I know that? Why? WHY?!? Why do I care that sunflowers are loyal to the sun? Why? And as far as recessive and dominant traits go, I am not a Geneticist, nor do I aspire to be one. And yet, I carry around information about traits that are really useless to little old me.
Now, just because I find this information useless, doesn't mean I don't find it interesting. I am quite glad I know how to make chains out of clover, make friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss, and suck the nectar out of honeysuckle. I am grateful to have learned how to blow an egg and press flowers. I am very proud of the fact that I know the difference between a French braid and a regular braid and can do both. Why you ask? Well, I will tell you why. Because my kids think I am fucking MAGIC!!! I am a GENIUS! They actually believe I am some all knowing godDESS! When Mommy knows something special and different, it leaves them in awe. I fucking LOVE IT!!
Now, I know what you're thinking. That they won't think that forever. Yes, you are right. They won't. Some day, they will understand, as I do, that along the course of life, we pick up meaningless information and pass it along to our kids, who will then pass it to theirs, and so on. But, for right now, I have the power. I am the all knowing. I alone hold the information to get them through. Me. Myself. I. And I will cherish that time as long as I can. Because, let's face it. Not everyone gets to blow up the death star.
It's funny the things we retain from our childhood. Useless information that crops up out of nowhere to haunt us, but really serves no purpose. Like the fact that a widow's peak is a recessive trait, or that snowflakes have six sides. I say that these things are useless only because they aren't really needed to function in every day life. I mean really, when the fuck do I, ApparentlyATotalB, need to know how many sides a snowflake has? Seriously. When? Why the hell do I know that? Why? WHY?!? Why do I care that sunflowers are loyal to the sun? Why? And as far as recessive and dominant traits go, I am not a Geneticist, nor do I aspire to be one. And yet, I carry around information about traits that are really useless to little old me.
Now, just because I find this information useless, doesn't mean I don't find it interesting. I am quite glad I know how to make chains out of clover, make friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss, and suck the nectar out of honeysuckle. I am grateful to have learned how to blow an egg and press flowers. I am very proud of the fact that I know the difference between a French braid and a regular braid and can do both. Why you ask? Well, I will tell you why. Because my kids think I am fucking MAGIC!!! I am a GENIUS! They actually believe I am some all knowing godDESS! When Mommy knows something special and different, it leaves them in awe. I fucking LOVE IT!!
Now, I know what you're thinking. That they won't think that forever. Yes, you are right. They won't. Some day, they will understand, as I do, that along the course of life, we pick up meaningless information and pass it along to our kids, who will then pass it to theirs, and so on. But, for right now, I have the power. I am the all knowing. I alone hold the information to get them through. Me. Myself. I. And I will cherish that time as long as I can. Because, let's face it. Not everyone gets to blow up the death star.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
I Never Learned To Play Hopscotch
Actually, that's not true. I totally knew how to play hopscotch. Along with kickball, dodge ball, and jump rope. What I absolutely did not ever learn how to do, and always wanted to, is double dutch. That shit was fucking AMAZING!!! So jealous of all the little fuckers that knew how to do that shit.
I would love to try to learn how to double dutch now. I could totally see myself as a middle aged woman trying to maneuver that crap, tripping over the ropes, as well as my skin apron and sagging breasts. It.Would.Rock. My kids would skulk away, completely embarrassed to have such a pathetic mother. Actually, I know my kids and they would embrace me making a fool of myself. They love it when I act like a dumbass. They think it is HILARIOUS. Not sure if it is because they like to be silly, or if it is because they just want to see me act a fool. Oh well, as long as they are happy. Little bastards.
There are so many things I would have loved to know how to do as a kid. Back handsprings, high dive, triple lutz. I could have been an Olympic long distance runner, an astronaut, a successful lawyer, or an underwater basket weaver. I could have been awesome...I could BE awesome. Sadly, I never learned those things, whether it be from lack of motivation, low self esteem, or just no guidance and support, I will never know.
Fortunately, I am not one to dwell too much on the past. While there are many things I will never become, there are many more things that I can become, and some things that I already have become. I am a wife and a mother. I am a friend, a confidante, a stress reliever. I am funny, smart, sarcastic, silly, and at times, I can be a real fucking bitchass. I am a woman. All I can try to do now is make sure that I let my children know, if they work hard enough and want something with all their hearts, they can accomplish ANYTHING. In the meantime, I am going to try to find someone who can teach me to double Dutch. Specifically someone who will not laugh at me when I trip on my left breast.
I would love to try to learn how to double dutch now. I could totally see myself as a middle aged woman trying to maneuver that crap, tripping over the ropes, as well as my skin apron and sagging breasts. It.Would.Rock. My kids would skulk away, completely embarrassed to have such a pathetic mother. Actually, I know my kids and they would embrace me making a fool of myself. They love it when I act like a dumbass. They think it is HILARIOUS. Not sure if it is because they like to be silly, or if it is because they just want to see me act a fool. Oh well, as long as they are happy. Little bastards.
There are so many things I would have loved to know how to do as a kid. Back handsprings, high dive, triple lutz. I could have been an Olympic long distance runner, an astronaut, a successful lawyer, or an underwater basket weaver. I could have been awesome...I could BE awesome. Sadly, I never learned those things, whether it be from lack of motivation, low self esteem, or just no guidance and support, I will never know.
Fortunately, I am not one to dwell too much on the past. While there are many things I will never become, there are many more things that I can become, and some things that I already have become. I am a wife and a mother. I am a friend, a confidante, a stress reliever. I am funny, smart, sarcastic, silly, and at times, I can be a real fucking bitchass. I am a woman. All I can try to do now is make sure that I let my children know, if they work hard enough and want something with all their hearts, they can accomplish ANYTHING. In the meantime, I am going to try to find someone who can teach me to double Dutch. Specifically someone who will not laugh at me when I trip on my left breast.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Here Already?
Well, it's New Year's Eve again. Another non resolution year for me as I refuse to make promises that I may or may not keep. 2011 wasn't too bad, but I really think I can do better. I want to leave a year not going, "Eh." This year, instead of stating what I will or won't do, I will make a list of things I would like to accomplish, but won't be so sad if I don't. Okay, maybe I would be a little sad, but let's just say, I would not be surprised if they didn't happen. Here we go.
10. I would like to drive to California with my three children to see my grandparents. This won't be so bad, seeing as I live on the East coast and driving with children doesn't suck AT ALL.
9. I would love to take a trip to the Galapagos Islands with my whole family. I am not sure how much this costs, but I am betting that it just might be a little more than we have in savings. Who knows, though? Maybe I could turn a couple of tricks and use that money for our vacay.
8. Hiking the Appalachian Trail would really make the year. Forget the facts that I do not hike, can't carry anything on my back or that I homeschool three young children. I can do it, right?
7. I have always dreamed of singing in a Broadway show. Totally unrealistic, but I don't care. I mean, shit, even Rosie O'Donnel has been on Broadway.
6. This is definitely my year to have an affair with Johnny Depp. STFU. It could totally happen!!
5. I will grow 7 inches and become a super model. Okay, I actually do not desire this, but I would not be sad if I could make it a reality.
4. I want to run a marathon. Oh, wait. I am actually signing up for a marathon, so scratch that. It sounds like an actual resolution. Hmmm...I will replace it with learning to line dance.
3. Plastic surgery. Who cares what for? Just... yes.
2. I will cry when I need to. I am not sure when that is, but I will do my best to figure it out.
1. I want to drive to NY, on a whim, just me and my husband, for Chinese food.
The end.
10. I would like to drive to California with my three children to see my grandparents. This won't be so bad, seeing as I live on the East coast and driving with children doesn't suck AT ALL.
9. I would love to take a trip to the Galapagos Islands with my whole family. I am not sure how much this costs, but I am betting that it just might be a little more than we have in savings. Who knows, though? Maybe I could turn a couple of tricks and use that money for our vacay.
8. Hiking the Appalachian Trail would really make the year. Forget the facts that I do not hike, can't carry anything on my back or that I homeschool three young children. I can do it, right?
7. I have always dreamed of singing in a Broadway show. Totally unrealistic, but I don't care. I mean, shit, even Rosie O'Donnel has been on Broadway.
6. This is definitely my year to have an affair with Johnny Depp. STFU. It could totally happen!!
5. I will grow 7 inches and become a super model. Okay, I actually do not desire this, but I would not be sad if I could make it a reality.
4. I want to run a marathon. Oh, wait. I am actually signing up for a marathon, so scratch that. It sounds like an actual resolution. Hmmm...I will replace it with learning to line dance.
3. Plastic surgery. Who cares what for? Just... yes.
2. I will cry when I need to. I am not sure when that is, but I will do my best to figure it out.
1. I want to drive to NY, on a whim, just me and my husband, for Chinese food.
The end.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Meh, They'll Get over it. Hopefully?
So, it's been about a month and I am still getting used to the new, old me. I would say that I am afraid the crazy me will come back, but I am not really. Not that it isn't a possibility, I am just not afraid of it. If she does, she does. If not, GREAT!!! I miss some parts of her, but seriously? I am pretty over her. The only thing that is kind of concerning, at this point, is all the damage that fucking bitch may have done over the past few years.
Now, I know I didn't cause any horrible damage. At least I hope not. I know I didn't rob a bank or anything. And I didn't murder anyone or start workin' the street or anything. But I may have pushed some people away over time and acted a little whacky. Pretty sure I said a lot of stupid shit and I know I picked up some nasty habits like smoking and trying to become a drunk, which never works for me for some reason. I even look back at my early writing on this blog and I was CRAZEEEE. Maybe a person who didn't know me wouldn't see it, but I can. Or, at least, I remember the way I was feeling at the time. And I was feeling out of my mind. In fact, if I met that me, I would stay the fuck away from her. Not because she was psycho, but mainly because she was slightly unstable and a little bit of a wild card.
So what's the point of me rehashing all this? Well, I will tell you. I feel good. Possibly great. I quit smoking 5 months ago (yes, I know that I resolved to quit almost a year ago), I barely drink anymore, I am really concentrating on being a more understanding mom (gotta work on losing the F word, and by F word, I mean Fuck. I should probably lose the S, A, B, C and D words too), joined a new homeschool group and I have been making new goals physically and trying to be realistic about where my body is. I do not even have the Dread of Winter that I usually get. However, I don't really know how to deal with my relationships that I may have ruined, made weird, or just changed forever. Normally, or abnormally, I would be anxiety ridden and pacing and thinking and crying and worrying and trying to apologize and just making it weirder. But now? I am wondering about it, but I kinda don't feel one way or the other. I mean, I kinda don't give a shit. I mean, I do care. I care about those people. But I kind of don't really think I should do anything. Like, there is nothing that I can fix, so I just need to move the fuck on and hope for the best. Also, maybe I didn't seem that crazy to them? Anything is possible.
So, lessons learned? Well, hmmmmm...don't go crazy. If you happen to go crazy, let someone know right away that you are crazy (make sure it is a trusted, long time friend). Try not to let your kids ride with you in the crazy (can be avoided by the telling a friend). Don't start a blog thinking you won't seem crazy. You can start a blog, it might help you. But people will be able to tell you are crazy. Just sayin'. And on a final note, if you find you have gone crazy and then are out of your funk, there is nothing you can do to change the past, you can only move forward. Do that and you will be fine. Peace.
Now, I know I didn't cause any horrible damage. At least I hope not. I know I didn't rob a bank or anything. And I didn't murder anyone or start workin' the street or anything. But I may have pushed some people away over time and acted a little whacky. Pretty sure I said a lot of stupid shit and I know I picked up some nasty habits like smoking and trying to become a drunk, which never works for me for some reason. I even look back at my early writing on this blog and I was CRAZEEEE. Maybe a person who didn't know me wouldn't see it, but I can. Or, at least, I remember the way I was feeling at the time. And I was feeling out of my mind. In fact, if I met that me, I would stay the fuck away from her. Not because she was psycho, but mainly because she was slightly unstable and a little bit of a wild card.
So what's the point of me rehashing all this? Well, I will tell you. I feel good. Possibly great. I quit smoking 5 months ago (yes, I know that I resolved to quit almost a year ago), I barely drink anymore, I am really concentrating on being a more understanding mom (gotta work on losing the F word, and by F word, I mean Fuck. I should probably lose the S, A, B, C and D words too), joined a new homeschool group and I have been making new goals physically and trying to be realistic about where my body is. I do not even have the Dread of Winter that I usually get. However, I don't really know how to deal with my relationships that I may have ruined, made weird, or just changed forever. Normally, or abnormally, I would be anxiety ridden and pacing and thinking and crying and worrying and trying to apologize and just making it weirder. But now? I am wondering about it, but I kinda don't feel one way or the other. I mean, I kinda don't give a shit. I mean, I do care. I care about those people. But I kind of don't really think I should do anything. Like, there is nothing that I can fix, so I just need to move the fuck on and hope for the best. Also, maybe I didn't seem that crazy to them? Anything is possible.
So, lessons learned? Well, hmmmmm...don't go crazy. If you happen to go crazy, let someone know right away that you are crazy (make sure it is a trusted, long time friend). Try not to let your kids ride with you in the crazy (can be avoided by the telling a friend). Don't start a blog thinking you won't seem crazy. You can start a blog, it might help you. But people will be able to tell you are crazy. Just sayin'. And on a final note, if you find you have gone crazy and then are out of your funk, there is nothing you can do to change the past, you can only move forward. Do that and you will be fine. Peace.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Well, Hello My Love!! Where the Fuck have You been?
The strangest thing happened the other day. I mean, it was really quite interesting and awesome. I received a guest that I have not seen in, hmmmmm, how long has it been? Two and a half years? Noooooo!!! Really? Has it been that long? Yep, I haven't seen her in about two and a half years!!
So, anyway, I got this knock at the door and, of course, I was afraid it was Sadness. So what did I do? I hid. For days. But the knocking kept on and I tried to ignore it. Really fucking hard. Of course I had to give in eventually and answer the door. Because my curiosity ALWAYS gets the best of me. This time, though, it totally paid off, because right there in front of me was ME!! Not me from now, well the me now, but not the me I was at that moment, but the OLD ME!! ME!! The me I had been missing for so long. The me that I love so much. The fun me. The me that wants to be happy and not feel beat down all the time. The me that wants people to like her, but can get over it when they don't and moves on. THAT me!!
Me: What the FUUUUuuu...??? HOLY SHIT DUDE!!! Where the fuck have you been??!!
OM: What's UUUUUUUUUP??!!! Sorry for checking out for so long. I had to go on a vacay.
Me: Vacay? I, uh, what? I mean, shit. I've missed you!!!
OM: I know guuuuurrrrllll. I have missed you too. There were many times I wanted to come back and hang out. I even packed to come home a few times.
Me: Well, why didn't you? I was INSANE without you!! Like really. REALLY!!! I could have used your support, your advice, your humor.
OM: I know, I know. I totally deserted you, but seriously. Shit got too real up in this bitch. I had to bail. You were always letting Sadness visit and you know how much I hate that bitch. But I am here for you now. Do you forgive me? Will you have me back.
ME: OMFFSMWTFBBQ?? YES!!! I have been lost without you! I had no idea where you were or if I had lost you forever. Are you here for good? Or just a visit? Please say for good. I don't know if I can handle you leaving again.
OM: Well, that kinda depends on you. I want to stay. I love you. But not this mess you have become. I can't be around all that weirdness. You need to get a grip.
Me: On reality? Yes, yes I do. I promise. Oh how I promise! I will try so hard.
OM: Okay, but honey, don't do that shit again. Nothing ever gets so bad that you need to let Sadness take over. That stupid busybody bitch needs to stick her nose somewhere else. As for your anxiety, stop it. Seriously. Stop it. We can work it out together, whatever it is. And I know winter is coming. We can work through that too. We'll figure something out.
Me: <SOB> These are not tears of sorrow, I promise. Thank you. Thank you for coming home.
OM: <Stroking my hair and holding me close> You are welcome. I will try not to let you down again.
And that is how the Old Me came home. She just sort of appeared one day. It's not to say that we haven't had a few bumps here and there, but she has been my voice of reason and always knows the right thing to say. What a shitty few years. But all I can do now is look forward and hope that the Old Me and the Current Me can just become the New Me. Here's to having fun, here's to not taking life too seriously, here's to weathering the storm, and here's to change. Huzzah!!
So, anyway, I got this knock at the door and, of course, I was afraid it was Sadness. So what did I do? I hid. For days. But the knocking kept on and I tried to ignore it. Really fucking hard. Of course I had to give in eventually and answer the door. Because my curiosity ALWAYS gets the best of me. This time, though, it totally paid off, because right there in front of me was ME!! Not me from now, well the me now, but not the me I was at that moment, but the OLD ME!! ME!! The me I had been missing for so long. The me that I love so much. The fun me. The me that wants to be happy and not feel beat down all the time. The me that wants people to like her, but can get over it when they don't and moves on. THAT me!!
Me: What the FUUUUuuu...??? HOLY SHIT DUDE!!! Where the fuck have you been??!!
OM: What's UUUUUUUUUP??!!! Sorry for checking out for so long. I had to go on a vacay.
Me: Vacay? I, uh, what? I mean, shit. I've missed you!!!
OM: I know guuuuurrrrllll. I have missed you too. There were many times I wanted to come back and hang out. I even packed to come home a few times.
Me: Well, why didn't you? I was INSANE without you!! Like really. REALLY!!! I could have used your support, your advice, your humor.
OM: I know, I know. I totally deserted you, but seriously. Shit got too real up in this bitch. I had to bail. You were always letting Sadness visit and you know how much I hate that bitch. But I am here for you now. Do you forgive me? Will you have me back.
ME: OMFFSMWTFBBQ?? YES!!! I have been lost without you! I had no idea where you were or if I had lost you forever. Are you here for good? Or just a visit? Please say for good. I don't know if I can handle you leaving again.
OM: Well, that kinda depends on you. I want to stay. I love you. But not this mess you have become. I can't be around all that weirdness. You need to get a grip.
Me: On reality? Yes, yes I do. I promise. Oh how I promise! I will try so hard.
OM: Okay, but honey, don't do that shit again. Nothing ever gets so bad that you need to let Sadness take over. That stupid busybody bitch needs to stick her nose somewhere else. As for your anxiety, stop it. Seriously. Stop it. We can work it out together, whatever it is. And I know winter is coming. We can work through that too. We'll figure something out.
Me: <SOB> These are not tears of sorrow, I promise. Thank you. Thank you for coming home.
OM: <Stroking my hair and holding me close> You are welcome. I will try not to let you down again.
And that is how the Old Me came home. She just sort of appeared one day. It's not to say that we haven't had a few bumps here and there, but she has been my voice of reason and always knows the right thing to say. What a shitty few years. But all I can do now is look forward and hope that the Old Me and the Current Me can just become the New Me. Here's to having fun, here's to not taking life too seriously, here's to weathering the storm, and here's to change. Huzzah!!
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