The Incident

The first person I ever french kissed was a girl.  And, haha, yes, I liked it.  I remember it like it just happened and not close to thirty years ago.  I was 12, I think she was 11, and she had invited me over for the weekend to swim and hang out.  Her mother was a very cool lady, large in body and personality.  She kinda just left us alone most of the time to swim in the pool, lounge in the hot tub and, apparently, make out.  My friend was quite brash, and I liked that about her.  Now I can't help but think she seemed a little more experienced than your average 11 year old.  She always came up with the plans and I willingly followed.  I had messed around with my little girl friends before, her included, rolling around on the floor, not knowing exactly what to do with our bodies, or even what was happening or how they worked.  I had never kissed any of them, not even a peck, but this girl, she made it seem like a good idea.  Actually, she didn't even *say* anything, she just did it.  It felt really nice and stirred up some things in me that had never occurred.  When it was over, I remember feeling extreme guilt, like I had just murdered someone.  No one had ever told me that was normal and okay.  In fact, I had been taught that having any kind of contact like that with a member of the same sex, was one of the worst sins you could commit.  She seemed to be unaffected and I felt like drowning myself in her pool.  I was 12, people.  I was 12 and wanted to die because I had kissed a girl.  Her mother took us to a restaurant for dinner that night.  I remember feeling extra small in my oddly high-backed chair, unable to look her mother in the eye.  I thought everyone knew and that, any moment, my punishment was coming.  Of course it never came.

I went away from that first kiss holding it close and keeping it a secret from everyone.  There was no one I could tell.  What would people think?  I never even confessed to my bishop, or any bishop, in the Mormon church, which is what I was *supposed* to do (did I mention I was brought up Mormon?  Maybe somewhere else.).  What did it say about me that I could be attracted enough to a girl to let her kiss me?  Was I a lesbian?  I struggled with it, even into adulthood.  Even well into my twenties, I felt shame for being turned on by two women kissing or touching or *gasp* having sex.  In fact, it took me until this past year to tell anyone about my first kiss. That's disgusting and sad.  What a waste of a good portion of my life, being so afraid that I was a bad person to experience pleasure over something like sex.  I think about that day sometimes and wonder how things might have been if I had been taught to love and explore my body, and know that sex is normal and natural.  Maybe I would have experimented more with women and had better experiences.  I even wonder about my friend, where she is, how she feels about that moment in time.  The last time I saw her was at a high school football game and it was awkward for me.  I wonder if it was awkward for her as well.  Maybe not.  

I  never question my sexuality now, I know I prefer men, but as an adult who has learned that sexuality can not be defined in black and white terms, I am disappointed that I was never given the opportunity to experience the full range of normal, instead of feeling guilt and shame if anything was ever done outside of marriage with a member of the opposite sex.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  I feel stunted and damaged.  I feel for others who have had similar experiences and I hurt for children who don't know any better yet and are being taught to hate themselves.  Fuck. I look at my children and I hope I never make them feel ashamed of their normal feelings.  I know I don't always do things right, and sometimes when they ask me questions about things, I am dying inside because they are so little and I was never taught how to discuss these things with my kids.  All I can do is try to be as open and honest with them as possible, giving them the information they need at the times they need them, never passing judgment, and teaching them to always love and respect themselves as human beings.  I am sure I will fuck them up in some way, but this is one area where I can not fail.