Dancing With Myself Is Way Cooler

Sometimes, when I am really tired and trying to go to sleep, I do this thing where I have conversations in my head with people i know in real life.  These are not conversations that I intend on having with them, rather conversations that are existing right in that moment.  No, I do not believe I am actually conversing with the person, but I have always felt that I was doing this to either work something out with that person in my own mind, or I choose to confide in specific people in my mind because I trust them.  I was doing this last night as I was drifting off to sleep and it suddenly dawned on me, I am just talking to myself.  I mean, obviously I am talking to myself, but it seems that whoever (whomever?  I never know.) I am speaking with in my mind actually just represents me, or a part of me.  Whatever I am speaking to them about is not something I would necessarily say in real life.  Usually it is stuff that I need to face on a real level with me and only me.  Something that may be torturing me, but I am not willing accept or am in denial over on a surface level.

Of course, this led me to fear.  Do other people do this?  Is it a sign of some sort of crazy?  I am talking to myself through conversations with people I really know, but in my mind.  It doesn't even seem like a fantasy because it isn't actually something I desire.  At what point should I seek professional help?  I can't possibly be insane if I recognize that the conversations aren't real, right?  I am just hoping that other people do this and just don't talk about it, like the way people don't really talk about taking a dump or how messy and disgusting you feel after giving birth.  I am also hoping that the other people that do it aren't just the crazies out there.  Eeeek!

All of this spiraled into an analysis of my relationships with people.  Of course it did, because when you are trying to go to sleep at night, the best thing to do is analyze past and existing relationships.  It really is the best sleep aid.  I wondered how and why I become friends with the people I do and why some people that would seem to be a perfect friend for me on paper, fall short and maybe even turn me off.  I don't know how many times someone has said, "Oh, you remind me so much of so and so," then I meet them and I am like, "For realz?  No."  What I have come up with is this, some people in my life are familiar, like I have been drawn to them because they remind me of someone from childhood and fill that space for me as an adult.  Usually I can pinpoint who these people are and who they remind me of.  They are comfortable to be around because I already know them on some level.  These people are not always the best people for me.  Sometimes they are a part of a cycle, which is not always positive, but seems to be becoming more apparent to me as I get older and more aware of who I am and want to be.  This brought me to the other types of people in my life.  I have often thought that I am attracted to certain people because they represent something that I want to strive to be, that they have a quality I do not possess and want to learn from them how to achieve greatness.  This may be part of it, but last night, in my bedtime state, I realized that isn't really the case.  All the people I admire for their different qualities and individual personalities all have something I already have and they bring it out and that *thing* is complimented by them.  Maybe it shines a little brighter in them and I am trying to bask in the glow of their light, hoping mine will follow suit.  Maybe one day all of these things will come together for me and the light will burn so bright that it explodes from my body as I reach my full potential.  It would be fucking amazing.

Of course, these aren't the only reasons I am friends with people.  Obviously, they have to be cool and fun and not a dickhead or asshole.  My friends have to be willing to act ridiculous sometimes too, because I refuse to live in a world of constant seriousness.  There is nothing better than a bunch of great friends coming together and acting like they're 12.  They also kinda have to like me, at least a little.  That wouldn't really work if they didn't.  

As I finally started to feel my eyes droop and I was reaching stage 1, I was appreciating my friends and really feeling a full heart and a peaceful mind.  I wanted to tell each one of them, "You are special to me.  I love you.  My life is more interesting with you in it."  A little anxiety hit when I thought I might die in my sleep and never get to tell them how I feel about them, but I was able to squash that fairly quickly by telling myself to shut the fuck and go to sleep.

On a side note, while it may seem as though I smoked pot before bed, I swear this is not the case.  Peace.