That Was Quick!

OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!  It is done!!!  It has been two weeks and my Facebook account has been permanently DELETED!!!!!  **CONFETTI**  **NOISE MAKERS**  **TROMBONE SLIDE**  I should throw a party or get drunk or something!  BODY SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!!  Oh, wait.  Shit.  At least I think it has been deleted.  I am afraid to check because if it hasn't, it will let me sign right back in and my two week waiting period will start all over again.  BLEAH.

Surprisingly, the past two weeks have gone by relatively quickly.  I guess that happens when you aren't checking FB every 5 minutes to see what's going on.  I have written on my blog, what, 5 times so far?  I have answered important phone calls, made appointments I had neglected, scheduled actual face time with real people.  Huh.  You mean I could have been doing this all along?  What the fuck was wrong with me?  I mean, I know there are plenty of things wrong with me, just wondering what specific thing made me feel the need to waste my goddamn time on the Anti-social Network.  Now that I have been gone, it's weird.  It is like because I do not exist there anymore, it kind of doesn't exist to me.  I guess it really doesn't because it absolutely does not affect my daily life.  It is so strange and it is something I am sure I will be thinking about for a long time.

Something that  I have noticed since I have been gone is the lack of bitterness I have.  I have been very, very bitter the past couple of years.  Bitter and angry.  And resentful.  And hateful.  And, at times, jealous.  The jealousy has been a big one for me because it is not something I normally feel.  What was I jealous of?  Oh, stupid shit like how someone else's life appeared to be, relationships between other people, how one person might talk to another, but not to me.  I also noticed it in others and it pissed me off.  I can not take that shit.  I can be a hatey, bitter, resentful bitch, but jealousy?  Nuh uh, that has got to go.  I don't like it from others and I loathe it in myself.  LOATHE.  There really is no reason for jealousy, right?  My personal relationships with people are my own, just as the personal relationships of others are their own.   I guess not having everyone's business all up in my face has taken that away.  I also found that many people could be pretty nasty towards others (myself included), maybe in a way that they would not be in real life.  Since you don't have to face someone you can do and say whatever you like?  That's what it felt like to me.  Like behind the profiles there wasn't an actual person, which is COMPLETELY understandable and, in some ways, refreshing.  Sometimes it is hard to say what you want to say to someone's face.  You have time to form thoughts when you write them, you can complete your thought before being interrupted, you may articulate better through writing than spoken word.  But, a lot of times things get out of control and that power is abused.  People may write things in a way they wouldn't in real life because you are talking to a computer, not a human being.  Or, and I know this happens a lot with me, the recipient takes things the wrong way because they have to imagine the tone, especially if they don't know the person well, or at all.  Needless to say, I am enjoying not being exposed to those things, I am enjoying a little anonymity, but mostly I am enjoying not knowing what everyone is or isn't doing 95% of the time.  Catching up is way more fun when the people you are catching up with don't know most of your shit from Facebook.    

Even though I have made some changes and feel like a weight has been lifted, I am totally aware that FB is not the problem.  It just became my coping mechanism for a much larger issue.  I feel good right now, but I just made a huge change, so that feeling I am having is to be expected.  The key is to keep making changes and sticking with them.  It's not like the anxiety has just magically disappeared.  I still get paranoid and have bouts of self doubt and worry, but at least I am not currently adding to that by trying to control it and make it stop with something that CLEARLY fosters my insecurities.  I gotta keep myself in check and make sure I don't pick up some other behavior to take the place of Facebook.  Everyone knows that compulsive behavior will do nothing but make everything else spin out of control.  Everyone but me for the past few years, apparently.    I still have a lot of work and some serious soul searching must be done.  There is much to repair in myself and I would like to gain some self confidence back that was lost.  Not sure when and how that happened, but damn.  It most certainly did happen!  I also need to try to concentrate on my little kids.  They really need me right now and even though I am always here, I am not always here, you know?  I just hope when they write their books about their mentally ill mother, they paint an accurate description.