Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

So, two things happened this week.  The first thing is, I LEFT FACEBOOK!!!  You heard me right.  I broke the hell up with Facebook!  Like done, finished, finito.  It was a shock to me as much as everyone else cuz I never thought I would be able to break that chain!!  Now for the second thing.  Okay, I totally lied.  There is no second thing.  I mean, I have done plenty of other things this week, but nothing nearly as huge as my break up with the big FB.  It may actually be the biggest thing I have done in the last ten years.  Well, besides giving birth to three children, losing forty pounds and running two marathons.  So, yeah.  It's like the fourth biggest thing I have done in the last ten years.

Why did I leave, you ask?  Well, I will tell you.  First, a friend sent me this: http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/05/tech/social-media/facebook-breaks-pew/index.html?c=us.

 I have been known to take breaks from FB and every time I have gone back, I die a little.  The information coming at me seems to do a number on my brain that I just can't deal with.  My friends list was out of control, I knew too much about people I would rather not know, and I felt like I was on display all the time.  I was in a perpetual state of anxiety, worrying all of the time about what people thought about my posts or comments, wondering who I had offended that day or why I hadn't heard from such and such.  I couldn't stay off though.  I was ALWAYS on.  Even if I wasn't, I was.  FB was the first thing I thought about when I woke up, and the last thing I thought about before going to sleep.  I even dreamed about FB.  What kind of sick bitch dreams about FB?!  When I read the article above, I felt like there was only one answer, but I hadn't quite gotten to that point.  Then, the very next day, I was moving stuff around, rearranging my lists, hiding my stuff, stressing over who could see what, movingstuffaround, rearrangingmylists, hidingmystuff, stressingaboutwhocouldseewhat, movingstuffaroundrearrangingmylistshidingmystuffstressingaboutwhocouldseewhat... and then, I thought, "What the fuck am I doing?  No, really!  WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK AM I DOING?!" I would never involve myself in something that caused me this much stress.  Ever.  Not even for my kids.

"Mom, can I have my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese?"
"You know what?  Yes.  When you have a job and make your own money and can drive yourself, you are more than welcome to have your birthday at Chuck E. Cheese."

 My anxiety level had reached an all time high and right then and there, I knew.  Well, I knew right after I consulted a few of my peeps.  I knew I had had enough.  ENOUGH!!  And suddenly, just like that, my heart slowed down and I felt at peace.  A peace I had not felt in a really long time.  Nothing bad was going to happen if I left PhazeBook.  Nothing at all.  I might lose contact with a few people, but not if they are important, right?

I decided not to just quit abruptly.  There were actually people I needed to get contact info. from and I wanted to let people know that I was unfriending everyone, not just them.  What better way to get the word out than post it on FB, amirite?  So, I did.  I gave everyone a few days to get used to the idea and send me their info.  It also made it real for me so I wouldn't back out.  I have quit stuff before and know that telling people you are quitting an addiction is the best way to make yourself follow through.  Not sure if my Facebooking qualifies as an addiction, but if it doesn't then I don't know what does.  Not everyone was as pleased as I to find out I was leaving.  The sure sign I was doing right by me was the fact that I just didn't care anymore.  If I stayed, it would be for others, not myself.  It was not in my best interest AT ALL.  I was so happy!!  HAPPY!!

I waited until the last day to save all of my pictures I had posted over the last 5 years.  That is when I broke down.  For every picture I saved and deleted off my account, I cried.  I cried harder than I have cried in a long time.  I cried over my pictures, I cried about not being involved, I cried about the people I might lose touch with.  Mostly, I cried about not being able to feel normal in the FB world, having no self control, and shutting myself off from real life for so long.  It got even worse when I went to delete my account.  Pictures from 5 of my friends popped up.  "Lisa B. will miss you."  FUCK!!  Lisa B. WILL miss me!!  Goddamn Facebook, you ruthless bitch!!  I even started to bargain with myself.  Maybe I didn't have to delete my whole account.  I could just take a really, really long break.  Like 6 months or something.  Maybe I could start another page under a false name.  Maybe I could just delete the majority of my friends list.  And there it was.  ANXIETY.  So, no.  I could do nothing less than get rid of that thing.  The thing that had been consuming me for years.  I have now been gone for 5 days and I already feel like a new person.  I actually care very little about what might be going on over in Facebook land.  Of course, I know that this may be the honeymoon period for me.  By week 3 I could be a total fucking basket case, wishing I had never left.  I am giving myself at least 2 months to feel perfectly normal without it.  If it's less, than that is just an extra bonus! 

Now, I don't think Facebook is all bad.  I have made some very good friends through FB that I would not have known otherwise.  I have also been able to reconnect with people that I never thought I would hear from again.  But, for me, FB just doesn't work, at least not the way I was using it or the way I wanted it to.  I need facial expressions, eye contact, human touch.  I need constant movement and activity.  What I don't need is to be sitting on my ass, most of the day, trying to communicate with people that do not affect my daily life.  I do not need to dance and be "on" all the time.  And mostly, what I don't want, is the person who does my eulogy to say, "We are here today to celebrate the life of my best friend,  Apparentlyatotal B.  I don't know her in real life, but MAN, She is funny as shit on Facebook!"  So, peace out, Facebook.  I am done being your bitch.