Dear Retail Therapy,
Today I went on a journey. A journey to find that thing that I saw at the mall two weeks ago. You know, that perfect thing to make me feel better about myself and lift me up. A little boost. A nice fuzzy blanket to keep me warm and cozy. A fluffy cloud to lay on. Yep, that thing.
Unfortunately, when I found that thing and tried it on, it did not make me feel better. It was ill fitting and did not flatter my body in the least. No matter. I knew you wouldn't let me down, seeing what a faithful friend you have been all these years. You would never let me down. Right?
Well, you almost did. You allowed me to wander aimlessly around the mall, searching for that perfect little something, didn't you? You let me think that I would never find something, anything, to give me a little pep in my step. You laughed as I was near tears, rifling through the racks, trying to locate a token of your appreciation for me. And then, while I was down, you kicked me a couple of times.
But, miraculously, you pulled it together and came through. There on that last rack, right next to the exit, I found it. A sale item that was pretty enough to pull me out of my shit. It was flattering, feminine and only $13.00. It was proof that you hadn't lost your touch.
However, if you ever do that to me again, I will FUCK YOU UP! No, bitch. I don't want to hear your excuses. You acted like a cunt and I swear to HOLY CHRIST, if you ever, EVER treat me that way again, I will cut your ass!! I will pull your Goddamn hair out strand by strand. Then I will make you eat that shit after I have pummeled your smug, little, pig face. Ever seen Fight Club? Yeah, bitch, that'll be you.
In closing, I would like you to know that I still love you. I kinda want to beat your ass a little still, but I do love you. You have pulled me out of some rough spots and I will never forget that. I hope that we will always be the best of friends.
Your Forever Lover,
ApparentlyATotalB
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